Ugly Duckling's Mr. Right

Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

                “I missed you so much.” Kevin hugged me just as soon as I got close to him.

                I pulled away. “We have to talk.”

                “Okay, I assume it’s a serious thing.” He concluded.

                “Jarred and I broke up.” I said, not looking at him in the eye.

                “Why? Was it because of me?”

                “Yes.” Telling him the truth.

                His face lighted up. He reached for my hands. “You’ll never regret choosing me.”

                “No, you don’t understand, Kevin.”

                He stared at me with confusion. I continued,

                “Kevin, I realized that I really do not love you. Well, maybe I do. But not the way you love me. I love you, but it’s platonic. I don’t know how to say this. And I feel so fucked up. All I wanted to say is I’m sorry. I could not see you anymore.”

                Kevin’s shoulders dropped. He bowed his head and I saw him wipe a tear.

                “Oh, Kevin. Don’t cry. I’m so sorry. I guess I’m not worth all this.”

                “No. This was entirely my fault. I pushed you to do something that did not make you happy. I’m so sorry you and Jarred had to break up because of me. I should’ve just been your friend. I shouldn’t have confused you.”

                “I hope we can still be friends… In the future. Thanks a lot Kevin.” I got up from my seat and turned away.

                “Ella,” he called out. “You were worth it. It’s me who you think is not good enough for all of these.”

                I shed a tear and walked away.

                It’s been three weeks since Jarred left me and I left Kevin. Basically, the events left me with no one, except myself. I should have listened to my mom and resolved that it is really impossible to have the best of both worlds.

                I spent days absent-mindedly doing works in the office and most nights laying in my bed, tossing and turning, but was always unable to get enough of sleep. I feel stressed and harassed. And I have no one to blame why all of this is happening to me except for myself.

                I lost the man I loved the most, and subsequently, I lost a dear friend. All because I could not decide. I figured, the problem was I’ve been used to accepting rejection so much that when it came a time that I felt needed and loved, I took advantage of the moment. I’ve been so immature and selfish but in the end, it all took me back to what I was before. Pathetically rejected. I got lost in all hope that I could somehow be just like Mariel and the entire beautiful people of human race. It was with Jarred and Kevin that I felt beautiful. And now that they’re both gone, I’m back to feeling obnoxious again. Ain’t love such a heartless bitch?

                I think of Jarred almost every hour of the day. Since he left, he hasn’t been returning all my calls nor responding to my messages. I feel terribly guilty and hurt. I hate how I don’t want to do the things that remind me of him because when I’m reminded of him, I am also being reminded of how good it was to have him and how stupid I was to screw it all up. Most of all, I hate the feeling of being so sorry, yet I couldn’t find the slightest courage of ever walking up to him and saying that I want him back.