My friends and lovers

The Child

Onion was a child. It was non-binary, bisexual, an attack helicopter. Onion was a modern child. SO modern that they had no gender. It's mother, the Grand Empress of Europe, Queen of Russia, knew only that Onion was a worthy name. For Onion had many layers. Anger, resentment, killer dance moves, a bald head and two different coloured eyes. But that was not all.

Onion had no father. It's mother didn't know the father to be honest (she was a bit of a hoe you see), but she claimed Onion to be a gift from the Gods. This however,made no sense. The Queen was a god, so why did she give herself a child? But there was an answer for this you see:

Burn everyone who questioned Onion's heritage. No wonder it grew up to have PTSD.

Onion's mother already has many children. Many were from billionaires, royalty and even Jesus himself (questionable), but Onion was special. While the Grand Empress of Europe, Queen of Russia, could not care less if another child died of polio: She cared about Onion. Onion was the first child to be vaccinated you see. Which then started a trend across Europe. In fact, the population increased so much: That people had to start burning again.

So Onion was loved by it's mother. The Grand Empress of Europe, Queen of Russia was a psychopath. She had to be to keep her throne. It had already been agreed that there would be a death-match to determine her heir. But the Grand Empress of Europe, Queen of Russia, loved it's child. And so she raised it.

Onion learnt to kill ten bears in five minutes by two; learnt to weave a daisy chain and strangle someone by five; knew all the words to the communist anthem by twelve and could quote A Christmas Carol of by heart. Onion could even play the harp. And Onion also knew how to do that thumb trick where you make it look like it's dancing, I'm sure you know the one. I hope you know, otherwise this would be quite pointless to say.

Onion received many presents from it's many aunties. There was the alcoholic one who loved trifle: the one who never stopped going on about MCR; the one who loved maths and was very strange; and the one who had many cats. Onion was very loved, which made it very hated. But Onion was immortal. No one could kill it. It was a bad bitch.

Onion was a special child to say the least. And he wiped the floor of those peasant children during the death-match. Onion stabbed a brother with a blade of grass. Onion strangled a sister with underwear. Onion shot a man, just a random man in the arena, and ate his eyes. Killing it's siblings built up quite the appetite you see. It's mother eventually sent a lasagne down for it. And he thanked her. Very nicely with a Waitrose Coffee cup. Because the Grand Empress of Europe, Queen of Russia, was a very posh lady

Onion was a beast. It was loved by his mother. And he unfortunately, stank of beef.But it was Onion. And Onion is life.