Dr: It seems we have made considerable progress with, but the persistent voice that accompanies this young lady refuses to leave. An update from this past week.
Tessa: This is what I still hear on a daily basis. I still have to use the music to drown her out. But its harder now. As I grow up I get weaker. As she grows up" she gets stronger. I can still drown her out but she's ever present.
Dr: What kind of things does she say? Have any of these words changed?
Tessa: As Dad gets worse she's there to say "smile" "laugh" "happy" "great". She likes to take over. She's always there to tell me what my next move will be whether I agree or not.
Dr: I see. You seem distraught. You can tell me why.
Tessa: The labored smiles, they almost work. Pretend. Keep it up long enough. Then maybe I'll believe it. But it's not likely. It's not that hard anymore. It feels like the more that I fight, the less I want to. It's almost easier to let her just take care of things.
Dr: I see. So what do you do in the times you feel like it would just be easier to say goodbye and let her take the controls for a while?
Tessa: I remember. I remember that she's just a character. I created her world for her. I write about my mental state, my life like you said, in this perspective. From her perspective. And I think I found something.
Dr: What sort of thing?
Tessa: My flaw. The deterioration. I don't know what's real. And I look back 10 months later and life seems to only be harder. She's got more vocal. Stronger. more persistent.
Dr: Are there any specific times you've noticed this?
Tessa: Its hardest at night... It's the rawest time. Its when she likes to talk to me the most. She reminds me of how loved I am. How I'm multiple people's favorite people. Really admired, loved.
Dr: That seems wonderful.
Tessa: She takes their lens, then compares it to our's. And it often hurts. "cherishes" loved" "adored" "Favored"
Dr: But?
Tessa: But still alone. Still unwanted. Unnoticed. She reminds me. She never lets me forget.
Dr: Do you think it's her trying to ware you down to gain dominance?
Tessa: absolutely. But she gets tired sometimes.
*sigh* It hurts that I can't make myself smile anymore. I would forget how to if she wasn't there to do it for me. It would be so much easier if I could just do everything or at least is I had someone to talk to.
Dr: Uh-huh.
Tessa: I mean like a friend, besides you, doctor.
*small laugh* I understand.
Tessa: I wish I had someone who would read me journals. Because she's crippling me. I know I have created her. This character. She is me. And I am her. But I can't embody her.
Dr: She can embody you though correct?
Tessa: Yup. It feels like I can't find the split between my dimension and her's. I don't know where this one ends and her's begins.
YOU ARE READING
Therapy Sessions: Tessa
Non-FictionThis is a manuscript of my time with an 18 year old young lady. I have chosen to take a Psychoanalytical Approach to better understand exactly what has been progressing in her life.
