Atelophobia

"One of Those Nights"

I wish it were that easy to move on from what happened. I wish I could not think about it  and forget it easily. I want to let Nicky in. I want to pick up like the girls have and not let something else stand in the way of being happy. But I can't ever forget what happened that night or how it affects my daily life. I don't want to have to smoke to calm down, to sleep, to be happy. I don't want to have to drink to forget for a few hours. I just want to wake up and be happy or at least feel at peace.

"Riley... You okay??"

I hadn't noticed the tear that escaped onto my cheek until Nicky asked me that question. One I wish I could answer truthfully.

"Oh, uh yeah!" I wipe away the tear quickly "Just proud of her, you know. "

"I can tell you're lying..." He reaches out for me slowly.

Ugh how badly I want him to hold me. My body aches for it. I'm at war with myself on whether or not to let him.

"Just give in to yourself..." he whispers.

And I do just that.  I let him grab my arm and pull me into a hug. I almost sob at how right his arms feel around me. I squeeze him tighter and breathe him in. He smells like musk and oak, he smells like home. He rubs my back over my hair softly and I let myself relish in his touch for just a minute longer. 

Jess's last song is about to end and I need to go grab a few things and freshen up. I suddenly pull away from him, he loosens his grip.

" Uhm I'm going to go change and freshen up before the party." I back away from him slowly. The sadness creeps up onto his face as I turn away from him.

I thought shutting people out was the easiest way. Until Nicky. Right up until he calmed me in a matter of minutes. After not speaking for over a year, Nicky fucking Winters ruined everything. He's perfect. He's gorgeous, famous, talented, wanted. He's everything I'm not and he still wants to try with me. Here I am secluding myself and my emotions because I'm a fucking baby.  I can feel my chest tighten and I know I need to push these thoughts away and distract myself by getting ready.

I pull my dress over my head and take my knee high socks off and my boots.

I grab my frayed short shorts and Jack Daniels tank top from the closet  and slip them on quickly. I rustle through my bag to find my belt but come across my black combat boots first instead.  I put them on and lace them up. I find my belt under my bag finally and pull it through the loops of my shorts.

I make my way over to the mirror and touch up my make up one last time.  I decide on red lipstick so I don't look so...blah. I do a once over in the mirror to make sure I look okay.

" Damn babe, you look good." Jess startles me making me jump..

" I didn't hear you come in! Frick lady." I lean over the counter to steady my heart. She laughs at my reaction and goes to the rack for her outfit.  She grabs her black skinny jeans and white tank top from the hangers and changes clothes.
"Will you spray my hair in more time?" She asks me, pulling me from my phone. I nod and get up from the couch.

"Bend over." I tell her.

"Wow you cut right to the chase dont'cha. " She wiggles her eyebrows at me.

I shake my head and laugh, spraying her hair and picking pieces out giving it texture.

She flips her head back and I fix it so it's not frizzy.

"There is a reason you're my stylist Ry, you're the master.  You ready?"

"Yeah! Where is Charlie?"

"Oh she went with Jesse and the other two, they're headed to the party. I wonder what Keith will say....."

" He's too oblivious to say anything Jess " I laugh.

"Oh my God I know!!!"

"The way all the guys looked at him was hilarious."

We're both laughing too hard now recalling the encounter and can't speak.

Jess's other band mates, Hayden and Leo, enter the dressing room.

"Are we interrupting something?" Hayden chuckles.

I shake my head no and try to regain my breath.

"Oh my hell." Jess breathes "My voice is going to be dead tonight!"

"Whew.. okay..." I clear my throat.

"You ready?" Leo motions for the door grabbing a bag from the floor.

"Mhmm" Jess answers him while gulping down water.

I dab the corners of my eyes careful not to smudge my eyeliner. I grab my bag and Jess hers on our way out.  We make it out of the venue and put our stuff in the back of Leo's van. I hop in first  and then Jess next to me. Leo turns up the radio and blasts Asking Alexandria through the speakers.

The wind whips through my hair from the windows but soon falls right in my face as we slow down to turn into their neighborhood. Cars are already parked in the drive way and next to the sidewalk.  Before we head in I need to smoke to calm my nerves. " Leo can I see your lighter?"

This time I was smart enough to roll a joint before the show. I light the end of it and inhale the weed. Jess waits with me and so do the guys. I pass to Hayden and he passes to Leo before coming back to me. It doesn't take us long to finish it. I smash it on his sidewalk and throw it in the gutter. 

Leo links his arm through mine and we walk to the front door and the music instantly pulses through my body.  Demons by Kai Wachi is blaring out the front door until we close it behind us. I love this song, Jess looks back to me knowingly. We step through to the kitchen where Jesse is doing a beer bong, Kandi is talking to her new boy toy, Hayden makes his way over to the known whore Aly, and Leo lets go of me to seek out his boyfriend Anthony. 

Jess and I go through the kitchen and down the stairs to the living room. We barely make it to the bottom steps when we hear "They're here!!!" Brayden and Ty, two college football players we've met at multiple parties. They're like brothers to us and they always look out for us at these things.  We grin at them when they come over to us. "Where have ya'll been? This party is a snooze fest without you!" Ty says. I laugh and he scoops Jess up in a giant bear hug. His hair is curly but he has picked it out into a fro that almost touches the ceiling. I notice Brayden's braids are getting loose at the ends. "Hey you need to come see me to fix those for you!" I yell at him over the music. "Girl, I know, I know. You're making me all self conscious at this party right now." He fakes being hurt and laughs loudly making me smile at him.

I look around the room and catch eyes with Nicky and Danny.  They have their beers in red solo cups and are watching our exchange with Ty and Brayden with wary eyes. I know they think they have competition, but these guys are not even in the running. Ty and B are just friends and they also have girlfriends. Jaida and Rose would beat our asses if we were to even have a thought like that.  I smirk at Nicky and he looks at my legs. My tattoos are on full display and hes looking at every inch of them. His gaze is making me hot and I need to stop looking at him watching me.

"Riley, Comm'ere!" Ty yells picking me up and spinning me.

I laugh and hug him back. "I'm going to hurl!!"

He sets me down and I hold on to his wrist to steady myself. 

B, hands us two solo cups full of orange and red liquid. " Tequila sunrise." He laughs at our curious faces staring into our cups.

Jess and I shrug and cheers, gulping down the drink. "Oh, so it's about to be one of those nights!?" Ty raises his eyebrows and cheer's with us again until we all finish our drinks. 

"I'll go get another."He says to us and B follows him.

"Nicky and Danny look pretty damn lonely." Jess whispers over to me.

I nod. "Lonely and extra hot." I giggle.

"Was Danny wearing that outfit at the show?" Jess is blatantly checking them out. "Oh, they totally know we're talking about them. Look at those smirks."

I look over at them and they are most definitely enjoying us watching them and talking about them.