Ephemeral - druck (davenzi)

1

And again I find myself sitting in the same white chair, looking at the same sky, at the same trees outside, at the same people.
Every day feels the same to me. I wake up, I go to school, I come back home and then sleep. That's what I do almost all week.
Yes, of course I hang out with my friends on the weekends; we sometimes go to parties and things like that, but I don't really know why I do it, because in reality I don't like loud music or being around that much people. Maybe by doing that, I make myself believe I am okay, that everything is fine, or maybe just to forget how boring my life has become in this last few years.

«Matteo are you still with us? Do you want a pillow? A blanket?» I suddenly hear a few soft laughs. I can't believe she just embarrassed me again in front of thirty people just because I wasn't looking at her, as many other students where doing in that class. «No I'm okay actually, thanks anyway.» She looked a bit mad after, maybe too much. Miss Mendoza has always hated me for some reason, maybe it's because I like to talk back to her when she provokes me. But I can't help it, as much as she can't. This time she decides to just ignore me and keep talking.

After a while, I look at the clock and it's 12:30, fuck. Time moves so slow in this classroom, it's like I'm in another dimension. Before the lesson started I told myself that I was going to take notes and actually follow what Mendoza was saying, but after ten minutes, I gave up. That's who I am, I get distracted very easily, expecially when the teacher clearly doesn't know how to do her job.

After an endless half an hour, the bell finally rings. I stand up and go straight to the bathroom, where I try to wash my face a little, just to seem not totally dead. Today I feel it's even worse than usual. Everything feels so heavy, even the air I breathe. Every minute is just worse than the one before. I don't know why I have become like this, and I also don't know when it started. I'd really like to smoke right now, and I could, but it's better to wait. Last time I smoked inside the bathroom, some guys that went there after me told a teacher about the smell, but luckily nobody ever found out it was me. So, I drink some water, breath, and head to my locker.

While I'm fixing up the books in my locker I hear someone coming from behind me, when I turn around I see Jonas.

«Hey bro, you okay? You look really tired» I knew he would notice, but I really don't want to talk about it.
«Hi Jo, I'm fine, it's just that I didn't sleep well last night» Seems like he believes me.
«Oh, that sucks, are you having sleep problems again?»
«Not at all, it was just last night, I'm okay. But how are you? Anything new with Victoria?» Then I see his face change, seems like he remembers something really good.
«Oh! - he starts screaming - How did I even forget to tell you? Today she looked directly at me smiling and said "Hey Jonas, nice jaket", so I smiled back at her and thanked her. It's the first time she smiles at me like that. I really think tomorrow I'll ask her if she wants to get a coffee somewhere, but nothing too serious, because I'm scared she'll say no. What do you think? Am I going too fast? Maybe. Fuck, I want to go out with her so fucking much Matteo, she's so pretty. Please talk to me Florenzi!» he screams again. People must think we're crazy.

Fuck. I mean, I'm really happy for him, but I've been enjoying spending more time with him since he broke up with Hanna. But I guess he deserves it, after the time he has been going through. «Wow man, that's really awesome! Of course you should ask her, remember you'll lose nothing if you try. I think she'll be very happy to go out with you, so please, don't be so fucking anxious. It's gonna be okay»

And if it doesn't, I'm here for you if you want.
I didn't say that of course. I'm not that dumb.
«Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I'm fine, not anxious at all. It's cool. Right? I'm cool right?»
«Yeah, chill. I know you can do this. Now move, I have class, see you later dumbass»
«Bye fucker, you're the best» he says as he touches my shoulder gently. I immediately jump a bit and start walking away. As I do, I hear him whistle happily and opening his locker.

I'm jealous, but I don't know exactly why.
I'm jealous because he's really happy and I'm not, I'm jealous because he has found someone who, maybe, likes him back and I haven't. But also, I might be jealous because I can't be with him as much. That's something I still haven't been able to understand very well. For him it's just us, Jonas and Matteo, best friends. But when I look at him, sometimes I feel something weird in my chest. And it's nobody's fault, that just how it is.

Usually when that feeling comes I start thinking that maybe I just need to find the right girl. And I think that's the problem. I am not gay. I don't like guys. I'm just confusing these feelings for something they aren't. That's probably it. I just love Jonas as a friend. I don't know what actual romantic love is. I have never felt it. But when I'll meet the right girl, then I'll know. I think.

While wondering in the hallways, lost in my thoughts , I accidentally see the white clock above my head that immediately brings me back to reality. Shit. Of course I had to be late. So I start running to my next class.
When I arrive there, the teacher just ignores me, so I quickly sit down and pick up my book at the page my classmates were, but doing so my pencil case falls on the ground, and, obviously, everything falls out of it. I try, very badly, to pick everything up without making too much noise and then I pretend like nothing happened. Classic Matteo thing. From behind me I feel someone touching me, so I turn around and this guy, who I've never seen in this class, says almost laughing:
«I think this is yours» Fuck, my yellow bear-shaped eraser. I can't believe it was still inside my pencil case. I've had it since I was ten, it's full of memories but really embarrassing.
«Ehm, no, that isn't mine» I don't know why I said that. It became obvious after some seconds that he saw all the scene, so he knew that was mine, so I instantly regretted speaking.
«I'm kind of sure I saw it come out of your pancil case» whispers again laughing. Okay I'm fucked. Now? Think. Think more.
«Ooh right, my little brother must have put it in there» And no, I don't have a little brother. «Thank you though»
The guy looks at me in a weird way and says «If you say so». Then I instantly turn around.

I was wrong before, that was a Classic Matteo episode. A Yellow Bear-Shaped Eraser. Who in the world has that? Just me and ten-year-olds, I think.

After this episode the atmosphere in the classroom seems really heavy to me, I just want to jump out of the window and disappear. Did a complete stranger just made fun of me? Yes. Did I made myself look even more dumb? Yes. For half an hour that's all I could think of. Thankfully I calmed down after a while and started to listen what the teacher was saying.

When class is over, I stand up and pick up my phone. I immediately receive a notification from Instagram that says "sara.czyk" has started to follow me. I look around, and Sara, a girl from that class, is leaning on the door and looking right at me. I feel really awkward, so I wave at her and say hi. She gives me a huge smile and then leaves. Still a bit confused, I wait for her to leave completely and then I proceed to go. While I'm looking at her instagram, I also receive a message.

Jonas:
I'm outside, lunch with the guys?
Matteo:
Obv, where are you exactly?
Jonas:
Front entrance, side B
Matteo:
Coming
Jonas:
Hurry up PLEASE, We're HUNGRY, I need kebab.
Jonas:
That was actually Carlos
Matteo:
SHUT UP I'M ON MY WAY

hello everyone. I don't know what this chapter is, and I didn't think that people might actually read it, I am really bad at committing to things, and this also applies to writing. When I started writing this story I think I had an idea in mind, but now everything is gone, so I'm sorry to the people that actually liked this and wanted more. I write in the heat of the moment, and then stop, so sorry again :(