The Choice

Confronting the past?

Whatever I choose, always end up being the wrong choice. How one may see through the blinds over his eyes, how one may overcome bias, how one may choose wisely the good thing? Answering these questions, and any other of this kind, would be just another wannabesmartenough. That is why I won't do it, however, more likely will be just wondering about them till the moment I know- I know the answer. If that is what I am doing, I won't bother talking more about it. I need to think about what I am trying to sell here, what version of myself I want to be today. I searched my closet and couldn't find anything that would ease the feeling I got inside of me. What is the feeling? ,,You can interpret however you would like'', I thought to myself. I put on a black sweatshirt, black jeans, black puffer jacket, and black, kind of heavy, boots. It surely did not comfort emotions I needed to put off. That is the first step on how just a wrong choice of clothes would get me off of good mood. As I was walking down the street, I did not feel how I wanted, how I desired, really. Where was I going any way? I lagged for a moment. Oh, I ought to go pick up a friend from the airport, he came back from Arizona. Never bothered to ask him why he went there in a first place, but we both are not in a good place lately. Not as individuals, but with each other. I think, I am nervous to see him, I haven't been around him for a 1 year. When he was leaving, even though we seemed not to get on with one another, obviously I dropped him off. I gave him one, genuine and last smile before he disappeared. After that, I just tried not to think about it much. It came very easy. Now, I'm sitting in my car, I was looking at myself in the mirror right above the steering wheel. I thought that maybe it was a good idea to practice possible conversations with Kai, so my facial expressions won't give him the sense of what I am feeling. After doing that for about 2 minutes, I realized that I still, was just looking at myself, but making different faces. The time has come, I went to pick up my friend. When I got to the airport, I did not know where to go, what to look for. I haven't talked to Kai for so long, he texted me only once, and it was yesterday. The message said: ,,Pick me up at 12am from Skylar''. Skylar is the airport, but the text was off, how could he just said that while not contacting me at all in a whole year? Though here I am, looking for him. When 10 minutes passed by, I went back to my car and was slightly hoping that he will just show up. 20 minutes later, he did, he showed up. He was standing by the door of the entrance. Out of nowhere, I panicked and turned around. What the fuck am I doing? He did not even look at me, and I am here to pick him up, so why am I so anxious? I was getting on all that in my mind when I heard my car door open. I know it was him, and I slowly was turning my head toward him with a look on my face. It was my look, the intimidating one. I actually was staring this way in the situations where I felt intimidated.

- Quit looking like that at me. - He said, and offered me a cigarette. I took one.

-Thank you. - My voice was loud and clear, especially when his was low, and still not heard enough. Oh, just talk to me, would you? A little while by Yellow Days started playing, and I was just watching Kai. I think he changed, I guess he should have, it's been a whole year.

-You know you can just drive me home? - He asked and threw, probably a half of his cigarette out of my car. I raised my eyebrow and smiled. As I nodded, we were already driving to get Kai's ass home. During the ride, I was surprisingly calm, so as he.

-Now, I thank you. - As he said that, I instantly started to panic again. Was it really all he wanted me to hear? What the fuck? - But I know we have more to talk about. And I'm here not for long, so come on, you'll go upstairs with me. - He added.

-Here you are, thinking that I will go up there and talk to you when you did not bother to contact me through all the time that went by? - I was genuinely curious where this man's reasoning is.

-Here you are still doing the ''you did not'' instead of ''didn't''. - He laughed. Oh my, If he only knew. - Okay, now, please come with me. - The smile came on his face.