Two SHIES

#3 RITESH -What Ifs

I finally decided that now I will talk to her. Actually this was not the first time when I decided this. I had tried many times  to talk to her, but when I am near her, I just turn like a statue and act like a disciplined boy. But this time, I was confident.

I can't watch her beautiful face sad. I will tell her that problems are in everyone's life, even I have problems. I could say that her problems would bigger than my problems, but that doesn't mean that we should forget to smile. I think she might not have a friend with whom she could share her problems. I guess, she don't share her problem with herself too. Even being a stranger for her, I wanted her to share her problems with me. Even I was unsure about if I would be able to solve her problems or not, but atleast she could share the weight that she carry with her every day.

What if she denied to talk as I was a stranger? I always try to think that and this was the main reason that make me numb in front of her, but this time, I was prepared. I can tell her that I am her Busmate just like a Classmate. Things like this atlast made me a confident guy.

The biggest reason why I wanted to talk to her was that, that week was my last week of first year, my exams were going on. My exams were from eight to eleven in the morning. Still I was sure that I will take a risk of taking the seven thirty's bus to reach college.

Till now, whenever I tried to talk to her, many 'What Ifs' ruined my preparations but this time, I just said, now or never.

Uff! thats enough to show my situation to you…

It was my first exam of Accountancy, when I was sitting with my thickest book of syllabus, still confused with some principles. The bank reconciliation chapter made me more confused that reversed every entries. Not only that, I was repeatedly rehearsing my speech, yes that speech that I was going to tell her. So, pressure was in my blood veins now. I was loosing my confidence.

The bus arrived and I was totally sure where I had to go. I had to go to second safe area of the bus, near her. I cutted the passenger to reach their. But, I guess that day itself was unlucky for me. I couldn't find her near the window behind the middle door, the place I call second safe area. Not only that, I couldn't find her anywhere in the bus. Regreted me was standing their, with dozens of passengers around me. Even I was unable to revise my studies their.

I think she wouldn't had went to her college that day. Thinking in that way, I gave my mind a pause and I focused on my exams.

The next day, I had my Statistics exam. I made changes in some things that I was going to tell her, like I won't force her to tell me her problems, I will take it easy and accept for answer. I was bit free that day, as I was good at Statistics, so I was their praying god, please send her.

That day also turned unlucky for me, because she wasn't their on the bus. I guess her wouldn't have been well, so that's why she didn't came. But now, my anxiousness was at its peak. Is she alright?

The next day was my study holiday and the only thing that was going on my mind was "What if she came in the bus today and didn't found me."

Theory subjects are the worst and economics, I hate it the most. I read each topic three to four times, still I haven't got any confidence in that subject. The next day, my confidence even broke in the bus, when I was unable to find her again in the bus. Where was she? Was she alright? Accident? No, a big no.

The exams till now were going well enough, but only I know what my mind was thinking about all the time.

I could see her behind every girl with dupatta, but then regret when I recognize that they were not her eyes.

All the songs I hear was relating to my story and this is what happens to all of us right?

I haven't saw her after that in any of the exams, even I reached late in my Business Administration's exam and had to write a apologising note to principal for that. I was feeling too regreted that I should have talked to her the last time we met. Was she even alright? I use to cover this question saying that her exams would have been over. But, I want to see her one more time. I was feeling like a loose something, even I never talked to her.

Even on the last day of my exam, I was their, waiting for the bus to show a miracle, but I guess god was also angry from me.

My exams were over, my first year was over. All were enjoying, happy, laughing and celebrating that day, but me, at a side was sitting sad with a fake smile.

My friends invited me to celebrate the day and I joined them, saying only one thing to my heart.
"I expect her in my next sem", I smiled.