The Path to Heaven is Paved With Letters

On a humid, candle-lit night, in a bed full of restless moments of desperation, laid a fragile, feverish woman. With the company of many, yet the loneliness of a distant star, she encountered the sad reality of what was to come. The subtle and grotesque presence of death in the air raised hairs and goosebumps amongst those brave enough to sit by her bedside. It was impressive how the end of a life could be scary even near the divine.

Sor Juana was always the smartest person in the room, nevertheless, her bright mind seemed to step in and out of consciousness as the virus that invaded her body took control of her brain. She knew it would soon be time to let go of everything, so she asked one of the women beside her bed, "María, can you please read to me one last time?" As her close friend María Luisa looked around the room in confusion, she noticed one of Juana's works lying on a table across the darkness. This book was "Primero sueño". As the sweet and calming voice of María began pronouncing those familiar words, Juana faded, once again, into her own mind. She took her consciousness out of that suffocating room and into a world rid of worries and pain, her childhood.

Suddenly her feet felt the subtle and warm touch of sunlit grass, her nose took in the mix of flowers and mud all around her, and she was home. As she opened her eyes, the sun blinding her for a second, she was rolled over by waves of nostalgia that could only be described with a feeling of belonging. She wasted no more time and took running to the hills, where she hoped to find her mother waiting for her with open arms. Finally, she saw her, a bright, pale, female figure dressed in a typical Sunday gown. Naturally, Juana ran to her, the anticipation growing stronger with every stomp on the ground, until it happened. The contact of her mother's warm flesh against hers taking over every thought, she couldn't help but kneel in the face of so much contempt. The feeling could only be compared to the bible's description of heaven. In that moment she found herself doubtful, was it all real? As she stepped away from her mother trying to see her bright eyes, she noticed the sun was now gone. She began entering a state of paranoia as she watched her consciousness return to that dark room; where her body still laid. With feelings of complete desperation, she reminds herself of what is happening. To calm herself, she goes back to listening to the comforting voice of her friend María, still reading to her.

As she regained consciousness of the musty room around her, tears began dripping down the side of her cold, pale face. As she opened her eyes, those around her were filled with a mixture of joy and worry. Juana was still alive, but, under what conditions? Her fragile body was deteriorating like autumn leaves approaching winter, and, eventually, they were doomed to fall and die in the cold snow that awaited underneath. However, at this point Juana didn't seem to be aware of the inevitable end that she would soon succumb to. She just laid there in a sort of dream-like state that, from the outside, seemed to be as peaceful as death. Perhaps it was the visit to her mother that gave her this sense of peace, or simply the hallucinations driving her mind to a complete state of emptiness. At this point Maria had stopped reading and the room seemed to be as still as it could get. Everyone knew the time was close, yet no one wanted to hurry the pace of the inevitable. Once again, Juana closed her eyes as to try to avoid all that surrounded her. As she let the weight of her tiredness take over, she shifted her focus to what was happening in her mind.

As she opened her eyes once again, she was standing over the dark cold stone that paved the front of a very familiar gate. The church where she was once confronted about her knowledge, now stood in complete silence. It was as if the place that had once caused her great anger and pain now lacked personality; it was a soulless body. While her brain ran through strong memories, her body roamed the streets with the swiftness of the wind. She now found herself inside the holy building that once provided her a safe space. Despite the warm and beautiful past that resided there, the place was now covered in dust and a male figure stood in the altar holding what seemed to be the draft of a book. By the time she became aware of who it was and exactly what he had in his hands the dark figure was already heading towards her. The sound of strong steady footsteps approaching her, like an unstoppable train, made her nervous. Finally, the priest stopped a few meters away from her. He seemed taller than she remembered and much scarier than before, but this was just a memory, she knew exactly what she had to do. The priest began talking with his deep raspy voice, "Tell me sister Juana, what do you wish to achieve with this?" As he began what was a very familiar speech, Juana plotted her response "I will bring my knowledge to those who don't have access to it. To those who have been robbed of this opportunity by people like you." With a disgusted look on his face the priest answered "You won't get anywhere. You see, women are not to be trusted, do you really think anyone will want to read your naïve, childlike poems? You are no one and will die being no one." At this point the priest was yelling at Juana with all the anger he had mustered towards her. Juana, on the other hand, stood in front of him in complete amusement of what her writing had planted in this man's feelings. This was where she discovered just how much weight a few words had on people. Finally, after a couple of seconds of heated silence, Juana responded "Priest, I am not here to please you or any other man for that matter. This fight is about equality and letting everyone have access to what I wrote. No matter what you think of my work, it will spread around the country and fill the minds of those who wish to read it. I will die being no one but my book will be my successor and bring to the world what I could not." By the time Juana had finished her argument she noticed the priest had white dust on his shoulders.

As she began looking around in search of an answer, pieces of the church's beautiful overhead paintings were falling apart as if they were made of sand. In the blink of an eye, the whole structure of the building began crumbling leaving behind only the standing bodies of Juana and the priest who remained covered by darkness. They were now surrounded by utter chaos; every sign of beauty had been vanished seamlessly. Juana looked around in complete disbelief and turned to where the priest was standing to find only the draft of her book laying on the chaotic dusty floor. Her first reaction was to pick her book up as to salvage her work from the wreckage, however, as she picked it up, it dissolved in her hands. The image of the disappearance of her book hit her heart as well as her body. She fell to her knees in complete defeat; tears running down her face in honor of all that she had lost. If she only knew what she was really about to lose maybe her tears would have had a different meaning.

After a couple of minutes of complete desperation and grief, she woke up once again in her room now rid of people. However, this time she did not see familiar faces, she seemed to be missing any familiarity with her surroundings, until Maria sat by her side. As the tall, black-haired woman laid her hand on Juana's forehead, all the memories flooded her brain filling her with relief. At this point, only Maria remained in the room. Judging by the lack of sound outside of the room, one could assume it was past midnight and everyone had succumbed to the tiredness of their bodies; just like Juana had succumbed to hers a couple of hours ago. Even the doctors that where taking care of her high fevers where gone. As she realized this she knew all hope was gone; her time was approaching faster than everyone thought. When face to face with her reality she asked, "Maria can you pass me my book? I'd like to be holding it when I leave." She said it with such lightness, it almost made Maria feel like Juana was just going on vacation. Maria gave her the book and Juana grasped it with all the strength her weak hands could gather. Suddenly she was filled with peace, something she hadn't felt since she fell ill. Her eyes, lit with love for what she was holding, looked around the room one last time. This was the room that had witnessed her growth. All the anger, laughter, knowledge, writing, it was all within the four walls of the room that had been her confident for so many years.

Juana felt her body weaken one last time, but, she wasn't ready. She held Maria's hand as to try to keep herself from letting her eyes close again. You could see it all in her face. All the bravery she had showed in her life was now useless. In the face of death, she was nothing but a mere ant, an insignificant insect. It was ironic that she had pondered about life endless times, yet she was not prepared for the end of it; then again, who is? As she reflected on what was coming, she realized no one is important when it comes to death. People claim to have their life figured out, but no one can really be prepared for death. As she laid in her bed, pondering about death for the first time, she felt a sudden cold begin crawling up her back. Her lungs now seemed to be filled with mucus as heavy as oil giving her difficulty to breathe. It felt as if she had just smoked a pack of cigarettes and her lungs were full to the brim with tar. In this feeling of suffocation, she looked at Maria and, in a low and raspy voice said, "It's time to go now" Juana closed her eyes one last time and let her imagination take control once again. However, this time everything was dark. It was as if all her memories and ideas were erased and she was left floating in thin, darkened air. This time she knew it was different. As she focused back on her body she could feel her consciousness separating from the pain she was going through. After a couple of seconds there was only silence, no pain, no thoughts, just peaceful nothing. Meanwhile, in her room that used to be full of people laid Juana's body, alone, lifeless and finally at peace.