Broken Glass

Broken Glass Part VI

This story is beginning to wind down, and here's another short part.

'm numb for months. I spend most of my days in solitude, emotionless and staring off into the distance. Luci forces me to eat for the baby, but it tastes like dust to me. We move away from headquarters not long after that awful day, and go east to different camps that I don't care enough to remember. I'm not a functioning member of our society, but nobody cares. I'm the first girl to ever be pregnant in the army, so they just leave me alone.

My stomach continues to swell, and I can often feel my baby kick, the only thing that keeps me grounded to reality. My pregnancy isn't that bad, not nearly as bad as people make it sound.

However, I'm just here. Alone. Luci is being kind to me, and I consider her a friend, but I'm truly alone except for my baby. Sean is gone. God, who I'm not sure I believe in anymore, has left me to fend for myself in a horrific world, a world that I don't want my child to live in.

That's why, about four months after Sean's death, I decide that I don't need to be here anymore.

It's a cloudy day, and everyone is outside doing their own thing so I can do the deed by myself. I find my pocketknife in my vest that I don't wear anymore and uncover the blade. I roll up the sleeves of my long sleeved black shirt and inspect my wrists. This will probably be the fastest and easiest way to go.

I feel a shifting in my stomach, and I touch my growing stomach to where my baby is. I'm so sorry, I think. This is the best for both of us.

They told us in church that people who commit suicide go to Hell, but I'm not even sure if God even exists anymore, let alone Satan. There's nobody left to miss me, and I wouldn't even be in this situation if there was anyone left.

I take a deep breath as I hold the blade to the inside of my left wrist. Good bye.

The door bangs open, causing my blade to slip away from my wrist. “What the hell are you doing!?” Luci is running down the aisle and rips the blade out of my hands, throwing it down on the ground.

“What the hell are you thinking, trying to kill yourself!?” she shouts, waving her arms and holding back tears.

I just can't take it anymore. I just start crying loudly, burying my face in my hands. Luci sits down next to me and takes me into her arms while I sob.

“What were you thinking? You don't get the easy way out; none of us do,” she mutters, stroking my hair. I hold onto her like a lifeline.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry,” I moan.

“Don't do that again. Swear to me.”

“I promise.”

“Good. Do you want to talk to me about anything?” I take a deep breath and begin telling her about everything I feel. About feeling alone and abandoned and that I don't want to spend another day in this hellish world.

“Harmony, suicide isn't the option. If it was, I think we all would have done it a long time ago. I would have done it when my parents died. I would have done it when my boyfriend Matt died. I would have done it when Katrina died, God rest all of their souls.

“But you know, if they can't live, then we have to live for them. There has to be someone left to remember the dead and give their short lives meaning. Only the good die young, and it's true. He's happy now, just like everybody else who's died, and he wouldn't be happy if you killed yourself and your child. Think about it. Don't give up, not ever.”

Her words hit me hard, like having a truck full of bricks dumped on me. Every single thing she said was true. I have to keep living. There's a difference between existing and living, and I have to live. I want to live. Not just for me, but for everyone; past, present, and future.

“Thank you. I needed that,” I mumble. She stands up and picks the knife up and sticks it into her pocket.

“Come on and live now,” she says, offering her hand to me. I take it and stand up. It's time to begin living again.