I’ve always hated hospital rooms. The walls were all white with the exception of a few drawings in frames made by other patients who had been here before me. The various machines that occupied the room gave off a low hum, some even beeped. This is what I hate the most about hospital rooms. No matter how quiet you are the sounds of the machines are what keep you from concentrating. Trying to collect your thoughts while there is a constant beeping sound in the background is not fun. I don’t even know why they have me hooked up so many machines when it will just delay the inevitable. I’m not going to make it. When the doctors told me I didn’t feel anything, no sadness or grief. I just felt numb. I still don’t know what I feel I’m mostly just confused. How am I supposed to just leave? I have friends and family and things I want to do but how can I when I’m gone? What will heaven be like? Will it be Angels and old friends and family who left before me? Or maybe I’ll get reincarnated and be able to still experience the world I know, but I will most likely not remember this life. Even if I could I wouldn’t want to. But how can I leave this world when I’ve barely lived in it myself? I’ve barely experienced anything, the only part that’s not a virgin is my hair. I’ve never been kissed, or asked on a date. How can one leave life so unfulfilled? So many questions but I can’t think with that fucking beeping noise. Lots of people came to visit me they were all crying. I wish they wouldn’t cry so much, it doesn’t make things easier. Especially my mom she has not been able to look at me without bursting into tears, it’s terrible. When my friends come I finally start to cry. Here they are my best friends who have been with me for so long come to say goodbye. What will they look like when they’re older? Will they get married, have kids, and maybe even name one after me? I wrote letters to them, to everyone, I took the idea from Safe Haven. Hey it was a good idea. Hopefully when they open their letters when its time they’ll smile, and laugh, and cry a little in memory of their lost friend. I made one for everyone important to me, except him. I want to tell him in person but he hasn’t come to see me yet. I asked my friends to bring but they haven’t. Time is running, I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell him. I’ve been in the hospital now three days and today will be my last. I take one last walk, smell the fresh air, and listen to the laughter of the children on the playground. The tears start rushing towards the surface and I let them fall. Let them slide down my cheek and the breeze take them away. When I go back up to my room he’s there, waiting for me. He doesn’t notice me come back at first so I wait and watch. He’s so handsome, not like in a movie star, showstopper kind of way but more of like a small town boy. A boy who is always polite to everyone, who probably won’t leave the town ever, and who never cares what he looks like and is a genuine person. His long gangly legs look awkward and out of place in the small chairs that sit outside my room. His shaggy hair reaches just above his eyes, and his broad shoulders which are usually squared seem to sag with exhaustion. I walk to him and he looks up at me with those big grey eyes and gives me a sad smile. I wordlessly take his hand in mine and lead him inside the room. My parents have left for a while to go home and rest so I’ve been alone for a while but I don’t mind. We sit down on the bed in silence, I still haven’t let his hand go. Finally I speak.
“So how are the Niners looking this year?”
Sports have always been our thing so I start off with something light before I get into the heavy parts.
“Well our starting line-up looks good, Kaepernick is as cocky as ever. But I think we’re gonna do good this year”
“That’s good”
“Yeah”
I don’t know what to say, how am I supposed to say goodbye to him? How can I leave this boy who has invaded my life for the past 3 years? I don’t know what else to do but just go for it.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Anything”
“Well you know like a year after we met we went through that whole phase with each other? Well you told me that you would be my first everything and even though you were probably just joking I can’t help but feel at a loss right now. Because I’m going to leave you and this world without experiencing anything.” I can’t continue it’s too hard, but he does.
“What are you saying?”
I dry the tears that have rebelliously fallen down my face and clear my throat.
“Will you give me my first, and last kiss?” I can’t even look at him I feel so embarrassed that I’m asking for my first kiss but he takes it in stride. He takes my face in his hands and makes me look up at him. He dries my tears and slowly leans down and I close my eyes. It was sweet but long, his lips are warm and soft against mine. His big, clammy hands swallow my face but I don’t even care. All I can think about is how long I’ve waited for this and how good it feels to finally happen. We break apart after a while, apparently kissing takes a lot of breathe out of you, and just lay down on the bed in each other’s arms. Everything is finally perfect and right in the world as I fall asleep while he hums me a lullaby. I know it’s time for me to go, I can feel the last bit of energy leave me, so I snuggle as much as I could closer into his arms and whisper into his ear, “I love you” before falling into an eternal sleep. Leaving the world forever.
