a/n ~ Hi everyone! For an English assignment, we were required to do a task, and I chose to do a prequel of TFIOS, in Augustus' POV. I decided to upload it, just to see if I'm any good at writing. The ending's a bit shitty coz I rushed it a bit to get it in by the deadline, but comment what you think and tell me if I should start writing. Thanks!
“If you live in your head for too long, you run the risk of becoming your own secret.”
~ Iain Thomas, I Wrote This for You
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
When people look at me, they think nothing is wrong. What could possibly trouble such a youth? No, of course, their troubles are much harder, real. Let me tell you, my troubles are very real.
I can’t sleep. Every night. I feel like inside my head a universe lives and thrives. All these thoughts, I can’t get them out. Each thought a planet or a star. Forming galaxies, overwhelming me, taking me from escape.
The thing about depression is people try to understand it. But for everyone it’s different, and I know they won’t succeed. They’ll think they understand, but no one does. They don’t understand the swirling abyss in my mind, consuming me. No one knows. I’m afraid if they do, they’ll make a joke of it, they’ll be like, ‘Oh, are you feeling depressed today?’ and during discussions about it, they’ll smile and stare at me, nudge me, and whisper, ‘That’s you.’ They’ll tell the whole class, ‘Haha, yeah, like him, he’s always so depressed.’ They don’t take it seriously.
But they don’t see me. They don’t see me when I’m alone. They don’t see me drowning in my own mind. Depression is like trying to peel a potato with another potato, and people telling you to just use a goddamn peeler, but then they hand you another potato. It’s not fun. It’s not something that I can just turn on and off. I can’t just be ‘fine’.
They don’t know.
I think a lot about killing myself. Not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I’m up I don’t kill myself because, holy shit, there’s so much left to do! When I’m down, I don’t kill myself because then the sadness would be over, and the sadness is my old paint under the new, the sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder. I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring!
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
This girl, Caroline Mathers, she’s been in my class since we were tiny. We acknowledged each other’s existence, but we didn’t really talk. For as long as I can remember, I’ve liked her. The way her dark eyes were alive. Her olive skin, so smooth and flawless. Her jet black hair falling over her face perfectly. I think I loved her.
Then, one day in September, when the leaves were beginning to change and fall, she changed too. Cancer, they said. Only two years left. And I asked myself, what was there to lose? So I asked her out. Of course, I gave her a two months for the shock to wear off first. For the first month of dating, everything was fine. I was happy, and she was happy.
But then, I realised that she wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t flawless. She wasn’t the person I was in love with. She wasn’t the person I’d conjured up in my mind. The person I dreamed her up to be. But I stayed with her anyways, because I thought, I’ve wanted this for so long. I won’t mess it up.
During the summer we got ice cream and sat on the beach. Even though she knew I didn’t love her romantically like she loved me, she knew I loved her as a friend. And then, during those hot days, it happened. I wasn’t expecting it. How could I? I didn’t think it’d happen to me.
The doctors told me I had osteosarcoma. A cancerous bone tumour. That I had to have my leg cut off or it would take over my whole body and kill me. I was shocked, but went through with it. They gave me a prosthetic leg which took quite a while to get used to. Through the doctor’s appointments, in the waiting area, there was this boy. A skinny boy who almost always had his appointment after mine. His name was Isaac and he had cancer in his eyes. We talked and eventually became close friends.
And then, ten months later, Caroline was gone. She took a part of everyone with her, left us hollow inside.
I felt empty. The happy, confident boy I once was, was only a mask now.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
Isaac has to get surgery on his eyes, after which he will be blind. It sucks. He goes to this support group and he asked me to come today for moral support. I agreed for his sake.
As I sit down in the tiny elementary seats that were set up in a circle next to Isaac, a girl walks into the room. I don’t think much of it until I catch myself staring at her. Something about her is drawing in my attention. She is wearing these faded, old jeans and a yellow top with a band I have never heard of. She stares back at me and strolls to a seat next to Isaac. She has this short hair that suits her. She reminds me of someone in this movie I saw once.
During support group, they ask me about my fears. I reply with oblivion. The thing is, however much I delve into my thoughts, one of the biggest fears is that I will never do anything worth mentioning in my life. I will go through my life, die like everyone else, and only my family and friends will know who I was. It shakes me to the core.
The girl, Hazel, the leader mentioned, stands up and tells me straight up that oblivion is inevitable. I don’t really focus on what she says next but I feel mesmerised at this girl. She really is something.
The more time I spend with Hazel, the more my feelings develop. This time I know that I really love her. For herself, as she is.
And I’m starting to feel that emptiness in me filling up. I’m starting to feel free again. The boy I used to be is coming back.
I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
“If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say ‘But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.’”
~ Iain Thomas, I Wrote This for You
