Intro - xx

Once upon a time, I screwed up.

This doesn't come as a surprise to many, considering I always screw up, but that's not the case.

Today's is big time, today's mistake is massive, if you know what I mean.

Of course you don't. You'd need a background story, right? Like what happened before I made the biggest mistake of my life, why I did commit the mistake and all sorts of unimportant information.

I don't know where the inspiration came from. Maybe it was the fear that smothered me, the gravity of the circumstances or maybe it was the adrenaline pumping harsh in my veins that I took this decision. Truth be told, I don't remember thinking it. I don't even remember doing it. All that remains in my brain is the shock that surged in my body after I did. The petrifying shock. The deafening silence, the ridiculed high pitched beeping in my ear that followed afterwards. And it didn't seem to stop. I thought it would stop only when my ears explode. But it's been so long, my ears haven't exploded until now. The beeping, its still there, while I run for my life.

While I run from my life.

Because that's what it feels like I've been doing for these past years.

Running.

Running from something, running to something. Sometimes, just running because I can't bear to stay in a constant place. A place that reminds me of my helplessness. But it always follows me around. The helplessness, I mean. It follows me no matter wherever I run, no matter how far, no matter for how long. It stays with me.

It makes me feel so claustrophobic. Sometimes I simply want to die. But then, the urge to live vanquishes the courage in me. And all that's left is a coward.

My breath hitches as I run still. My cheeks are wet, the cold wind is unable to dry them. I think they'll freeze. They'll be frozen to my skin forever, reminding me that what I did today, can never be erased. The tears aren't stopping. I can't stop them and it's making it hard to find the curved routes with an obscure vision. That's when I wipe them away. Frozen or not, there is no way my deeds will be forgotten. Or forgiven, too. Not by me, not by anyone.

Every time I see my hands, all I see is red liquid pouring down on the white snow spread across the road that I run on. I cover my ears. Please, stop. I'll never do it again, just stop the beeping.

I turn around in the corner and slip under the fence that is broken. I cut my hand from the pointed metal of the fence but I can't stop to aid it. I have to get away as fast as I can. Before someone spots me. Before someone recognises. Before someone comes after me.

Until now, there's no one. But here you never know. I jump over the gates and sprint towards the deserted street. Its night, everyone is sleeping under their comfortable duvets and blankets, the only sound is the howling dogs. Dogs crying, my mother used to tell me it's never a good sign. The sound of my shoes echoes in the silent night. A regular rhythm, unlike my heart's. Taking an occasional drift whenever I stop to catch my breath or jump over the walls.

The street lights here never work. Its dark because even the lights inside the houses aren't switched on. Its way past midnight, why will they be? The cold harsh wind makes it harder to run. And the snow, the snow isn't helping either. I keep skidding across it from time to time. But I have to run, I tell myself. I have to. You have to Sky! You have to run! Run Sky! Run! Run away. Don't look back. Just run. I climb the wall where the street has ended. It takes me a few minutes because my hands keep slipping on the melted snow. Once I get a good grip I heave myself up and plummet to the other side, not stopping to see if I dropped the blood traces on the wall too. Its snowing, Sky. The snow will cover it.

The cut is deep. Blood. I can feel the blood skimmer down my hand. Is this yours, Sky? Or is this the blood of someone else? The bridge of my nose is cold. A freezing sensation that makes it hard to breath. My chest feels tight and I want to cry. I want to yell but instead I run even more.

After some time, I anticipate I'm far enough. They possibly can't catch me so far. There's no one who knows. There's no one who can catch me anyway. Its just me. My guilt and me.

I fumble with my jacket and take out the wallet. Its not mine, it's the wallet of the man I sneaked it from. I don't even remember his face... It was so quick. Then I dig deeper, my good hand clutches the cold metal tightly.

I walk now, a little farther and I'll be at my home. My sister waiting for me. She could be sleeping, playing or maybe just sitting. Waiting for me. We can finally buy food tomorrow morning. I finally have something that will help us. Something concrete.

My knuckles rap against the wooden door. A soft creak as it opens, revealing my little sister. Her smile, the curiosity in her eyes, it takes away the guilt. Its hard to explain, a guilt so heavy it could have killed me, taken away by a smile so small, so short and, and vague.

"Sky. You're here. I was so worried." Her voice is so small, a whisper. I enter in my house. We live in a small house, with one floor. There's a small kitchen in the corner, there's nothing there but Cora likes to keep it. Just in case, she says. A small bath behind the curtain and our bed. Its just one. Partly because I can't afford another bed, stealing a bed will be a serious business. Chances of getting caught, gosh, the stakes are too high. Partly because I like her presence beside me when we sleep. She doesn't know I steal, she doesn't have to know. And she doesn't have to know what happened today either. I can't die even when I want to because it's her. She's my weakness. She's the reason behind the urge to live.

"Cora, look what I brought." I pull my hand out finally, the cold metal now warm from my clammy hand. She doesn't ask me but I know she wants to know if I brought good news. Her smile reaches her eyes when she sees that I kept the promise. Unlike the days of the past week, in which she slept hungry without complaining.

I give her the handful of coins I had managed to steal today. They were plenty. We will suffice for a fortnight or more if we use it wisely. A lot of time until I have to go back. "Oh my god, that's ten coins, Sky! How did you get them? You must work hard..." She runs into my arms. "I love you." Her voice is muffled against my chest. I hug her back, tighter. Closing my eyes as the images of the night play inside my mind like a movie.

"Oh Good Lord! Thief! there's a thief in my house!"

The man, I knew, lived alone in the house. He was an old man. He saw me stealing. Stealing his money. I wish he hadn't. I was just trying to scare him away.

As Cora sleeps beside me, I caress her hair from my good hand. She bandaged the one with the cut. I smile at her as she sleeps, but then I look past her shoulder, my jacket hanging over the hook I made out of a nail.

There was something else in my pocket too. The wallet. The coins. And the knife. The knife from which I stabbed that old man. I had wiped the blood smeared on the knife, I had wiped my hands too, but somehow I could still see the scarlet colour dripping from it. From the knife lying in the pocket, from the hand that caressed Cora's hair. And the blood isn't from my wound. Or maybe it is, because my heart feels like it has a hole. The high pitched beeping. I think it will never go.

I screwed up. I'm so sorry, Cora. I didn't have a choice.

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