Her House, My Rules

Chapter 11

Forgive me, Hazel. I messed up.

Her words were more like thunderstorms screaming in my head. Her rejection was cruel and fair. As I stared at my bedroom window, the heavy rain tracked the air with its poison. The dark sky was covered with clouds, the trees were dancing and balancing by the melody of the cold wind. I was watching and examining every detail from outside.

Hazel was my rain. I wanted her to shower me with her holy water.

I knew I was drifting far from her. I was trying so hard to keep my head strong but my heart wouldn't just let me grow away from her. It was my fault. I knew that I was wrong but I didn't think it was going to be such a big deal. I didn't know she was that sensitive. I wanted her to act different and show me a better side of her but I messed everything up by trying to change her.

I was the one to blame. My own heart was my enemy.

Sometimes, it's hard to do the right thing. It's not easy for me to just calculate my mistakes and correct them.

I knew what I did was wrong and I understood her pain. The guilt was eating me inside. I wanted a better solution, I wanted to impress her with my actions, I wanted to try something new for the first time. I wanted to make sure that she was willing to forgive me with all her heart. I was at fault and I wanted to change and take the consequences. I was willing to take Hazel seriously. I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to show her that my feelings were real. I really did start liking her. I didn't know what it was but I wanted to be closer to her, I wanted her to be by my side every day, I wanted to protect her, to take care of her and to treat her like a golden rose.

I wanted to count all the stars in the sky to show her how serious and special she was to me.

"Hawk?" Mrs. Maria, Hazel's mother, interrupted my thoughts, suddenly. "I hope, I'm not disturbing you but dinner is served. I would love for you to come with me so we can all eat together."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Maria but I'm not hungry," I replied with a desperate tone. "Thank you."

"I want you to be a strong man, Hawk. I'm not going to take no as an answer." She insisted. "Come with me." She pulled my arm as we made our way to the kitchen. "The food is delicious."

The delicious smell pinched my nose with a dangerous flavor. The air was contaminated by it. As I approached the table, Mr. Dean and Hazel were already having a conversation. I greeted him as I sat next to Hazel, purposely. Her regard was unpleasant. She really hated me. She didn't want me to be by her side but she had to ignore our situation and act up in front of her parents.

She wanted them to think that she was perfectly fine when she wasn't. Pain and anger were crashing her lungs, savagely.

Spoons and forks were clapping their talents on everyone's plate. As I savored the food in my mouth, greatness played on my face. The food was perfect. It tasted different today. The yellow rice and the red beans were perfect.

"The food is amazing, Mrs. Maria." I complimented. "It's different today." I chuckled, nervously.

"Thank Hazel." She replied as she glanced at Hazel. "She made the food today. Aren't you talented, my darling?" She referred to Hazel as she made her feel uncomfortable.

"Your mom is right, Hazel," I stated. "The food is delicious." I tried to catch her attention, carefully.

She ignored me.

"Did you try to talk to Max?" Mr. Dean began. "Did he try to solve things out with you, Hazel?" Her face was pale and collected. She was really not in the mood to talk about Max. It was obvious that she didn't want anything to do with him.

"Dad, can we please stop talking about him?" She ignored the questions. "I don't want to talk to him. It's over for good this time." She replied with an honest tone. "Now please, let me enjoy my food." Her attitude towards her father was new and simple.

"Hazel, sweetie." Mrs. Maria jumped into the conversation. "Your father is worried about you. He wants you to be happy. For the last couple of days, you seem really distant and hurt. I want you to know that you can always count on us. We're here for you." Her mother's words were pure and innocent.

" I am happy. I just want everyone to stop treating me like a kid." She exclaimed. "I can take care of myself." Her tone was loud and sharp. She really wasn't having it.

"Hazel!"Mr. Dean interrupted. "Watch your tone." He warned as his brows showed anger.

"What about you, mom?" Hazel yelled. "You act like you're the happiest woman alive when deep down, you and I both know, you're praying for dad's fresh grave?" Tears fell upon her face. "Dad? You don't have to fake your smile every time I'm around. I can see everything that's going on. You are all hypocrites!" She looked around us. "Just let me live in peace! I don't need anyone."

"Calm down, sweetheart." Mrs. Maria said, gently.

"No, mom!" She refused as she stood up, suddenly. "I don't want to calm down! Every time I'm calm, people take advantage of me and treat me like trash." Her words were definitely about me. "I can't even trust anyone anymore. Not even my own sister or the guy that I fell in love with. Nobody!" Her face was burning with nonstop tears. She was really hurt.

Hazel disappeared but her last sentence was playing in my head like a violin. The guy I fell in love with. Who was she talking about? Were her last words about me?
I was speechless. I didn't know what to say to her parents. I lost my appetite and I didn't know how to control the situation. I decided to leave the table and gave them an excuse.

To be honest, that was the first time, I've seen this side of Hazel. She was really hurt. She really was lonely. Was I the cause for all of this? Was I responsible? Was I really dividing a family?
Thoughts were navigating in my brain. I wanted to just stop everything and leave this house but it wasn't easy. I didn't want to leave Hazel by herself. She was like this because of me. She was acting so different and cold because of me.

Because of me.

I wanted to change the situation so I decided the best thing was to apologize to Hazel.

Thank God, she left the door open.

"Hey." I closed the door after me. "I know I'm the last person you want to see right now but you don't have to say anything. Just listen."

She covered her head with her pillow as I sat behind her, on her bed.

"Hazel, I..." I swallowed my saliva, nervously as I whispered I like you in my head. " I want to apologize for the way I treated you. I was wrong for kissing Leah, for pushing you away, for letting my pride gets the best of me. You were right, I'm selfish, I only care about myself. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but you have to understand that I never meant for your tears to fall in vain. I care about you Hazel and you're the first girl who ever made feel this way. I want you to be the last. I don't know how to express my feelings, how to explain that feeling inside of me but all I can say is that you're really important to me. Hazel, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you and I know you will never forgive me, you have every right. I don't blame you but I don't think I can handle one more second away from you. It's killing me to see you apart, to watch you cry and doesn't have the power to wipe them out. Your silence is killing me."

Her pillow was still covering her head. She ignored me. She didn't say a word to me. I was really telling her the truth. I was expressing my feelings. I wanted her attention but she hated me, still.

Hazel's silence was destroying me, completely.

"Hazel, I'm begging you please." I got on my knees as I fixed her straight in the eyes. "Forgive me..." Tears fell down my face, unexpectedly.

Damn! This girl really got me crying over her!

Hazel Brown. You got me.

You really got me, Hazel. I'm weak every time I'm around you.

I was falling... Begging for a little bit of your cold heart.