"i'm not a princess
this ain't a fairytale
i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
and lead her up the stairwell
this ain't hollywood
this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you went and let me down
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around"
5/31/2019
have you ever had a moment in your life when you felt like your heart was gonna jump out of your chest because of how insanely terrified you were? well, i'd never felt more like that than right before i was about to do the most terrifying thing i've ever done in my life- tell william corning benton mansfield how i felt about him. i tapped my foot rapidly against the floor, and felt my teeth involuntarily start to chatter.
9:45 a.m.
second bell ended at 9:51, and that minute was approaching all too fast. i wanted so badly to slow down time, but at the same time, i wanted to speed it up. i also wanted to stop it completely, because- and it pained me so badly to say it- after walking through the exit doors of loveland middle school, i was confirming the gut-wrenching fact that i may never see him again in my life after that. it broke my heart to think about it, but it was a very real possibility. i prayed every night that we'd find our way back to each other one day, even if that meant years in the future. i'd wait forever for him. out of the seven billion people on this planet, there wasn't a single one i'd choose over will. he was so amazingly special, and he meant everything to me. i couldn't bear the thought of life without him, and it felt surreal that after today, i'd no longer be able to share looks with him during class, watch him walk by in the hallway looking so effortlessly perfect, feel myself get dizzy every time i was around him. no more. i felt this horrible knot in my stomach get tighter and tighter every time i thought about being over a thousand miles away from will, separated from him forever. sometimes it felt like he was my addiction, like how when some people are hooked on heroin or meth and have to get their fix to avoid severe withdrawal- well, will was basically my drug. if i didn't get my fix of him- being around him during class, walking by him in the halls, looking at him while he worked and talked and laughed and ran and just breathed and every time being conpletely blown away by how unbelievably perfect he was, i would feel severe withdrawal. i felt it on the weekends when i wasn't able to see him, and on the rare occasion that he was absent or had left early, i felt it like hell. catch my drift? going without him for just a few days- just one day- was enough to make me feel like i was dying. try never, ever seeing him again in my entire life, scanning the hallways at west broward high school and frantically looking around the room for him, but he wouldn't be there! how could he be? and he's just gone. forever. and i couldn't even begin to imagine how violently painful it would be to leave him permanently. he was in my line of vision at that moment, yet i already felt worlds away from him when i thought about the years of high school i would be spending without him, when i had thought i would be able to go through those years with him there. alas, life is incredibly unfair and it likes to break our hearts in the most vile ways possible, and it just couldn't let that happen. even though it was all i wanted. will really, truly meant the entire world to me. i knew i was only in eighth grade, and how could i even know anything about love? but there was no other word to describe what i felt for william other than pure, unconditional love. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. the idea of spending it with anyone else horrified me.
9:50 a.m.
oh, shit. everyone was gathering their things at that point, getting ready to exit the classroom. my hands were shaking so hard, i could barely manage to carry my binders. my palms were also sweating like crazy, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. i felt like i was about to faint right then and there, my head was so insanely light. i began walking to the back of the classroom where will stood, stacking his french book on top of his computer and grabbing hold of them. my heart thumped as i approached him, and as i got closer he gazed down at me, realizing i was walking to him.
