Hey Ann...

Hey Ann,

so I've decided to write you a letter. Maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't. You probably won't. But I just have to tell you something. I can'tconcentrate on anything as long as it's in me.

First, I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're not crying. You've cried enough for your entire life. I cried again yesterday.. and the night before. I feel so empty.

The autumn is coming. You can feel it in the air. I froze yesterday while I was getting back from school. I can't wait to wear a hoody again.

Shit I just saw the date. I'm late with my books for library. I don't know why I don't read that much anymore. When I was little I was always reading something. Now I'm reading just from time to time. I really don't know why. Books bring me emotions that I can explain, contrarily of life. Now cold days are coming. Season of tee and books. I better go to library or book store.

So what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. I'm a little depressed. A little of the track. I am going to new school. Today is the end of second week. I haven't heard a word of my so called best friends. I said goodbye to the friendship we once had a long ago. Now I'm worrying. If friends I made in middle school lasted only during middle school, why would I attach myself to someone in high school? To get hurt and stay alone again in four years? Ok, maybe I'm a little too much sensitive. But I thought that best friends forever stay that forever. Or it's just me.

I like my new friends at school. They are nothing like me, but they are nice. There is this party on sunday. Whole class is going. I don't wanna go but.. maybe it will cheer me up. I have nothing to lose.

My brother came back from summer vocation. Full house again and whole bunch of new friends and I feel so lonely. Something is missing. And I know what. But I'm so afraid to confess to myself. I haven't seen Him in a month. We talked thought. He asked if I wanted to see him. Well of course I want, duh. He said we need to talk. I know what about. But I don't know if it's the best thing to get back with Him. I'll get hurt again. But I miss him so much. I had a dream about him yesterday. It was the day I see him again. I was acting all goofy. Then there was a part I don't remember, not important. And then, a part I can't get out of my head whole day. He said he loves me. I can't fucking describe how real it sounded. His eyes looking at me and his voice shaking a little. God I wanna see him again.

When you think worst has happened..

Dear Ann,

I hope you're not crying. You've cried enough for your entire life. I cried again yesterday.. and the night before. I feel so empty.

The reason is.. I've lost my brother. You see, my dad is a really complicated man. He has always been really strict and both of my brothers didn't really love him as much as kids should love their parent. Recently neither did I. My brother had a lot of fights with him and yesterday my dad has told him to choose between his girlfriend and family. His girlfriend was mostly the reason they were fighting. My dad thinks she has a bad influence on him. My brother decided it's time to go. He went to pack himself and my brother begged him to stay but he knew it wasn't because of that girl. It was because he couldn't handle living like that anymore.

When I got back from school I was unusually happy and then I walked in the living room and found my mum and dad sitting in silence. When my dad walked out of the room, my mum told me he was leaving. I went to my room still not realizing how huge this thing was. I heard both of my brothers crying. Half an hour later I went to kitchen and my other brother sat on the floor, put his head in his arms and started crying. That moment I realized he was gone, for real. After that my mum and I started crying, too. My dad went outside earlier.

To clear out heads a little, my brother and I went to ride on bike. We were going in circles around the neighborhood when we found our brother walking. We stopped. My brother asked him to come home one last time but he said we know that it's impossible. He give me hand to get of the bike. My other brother went to make a phone call and I started crying. He hugged me really tight and asked me why I was crying. He said it's not like he's far from us. I know that, but still, it was too much for me to handle after everything that already happened. When my brother finished a phone call we talked a little bit and then it was time to go. He helped me get back on the bike and put my helmet on. My other brother, who left, kissed me on helmet and told us to stay ok. When we got back home I started crying. I think I cried for 3 hours straight. My parents wanted to cheer me up, so they took me to buy fruit for some job they had. Yes, at midnight they took me to shop to buy fruit. When we got back home I was pissed off because my dad was swearing my brother whole time. He was something like disappointed that he picked her instead of his family. Everyone but him realized he didn't left because of her, but because of him. My brother told me that my other brother and I are all his life and that he won't let anything happen to him. He also asked me to stay strong and not to let this crush me. I had the worst thoughts recently but I'm gonna be ok. Because of them. I just love them so much. Then my father went inside my room and he told me to stop crying. I told him I can't and I apologized. He told me to stop again and asked me do I see how I look like. He was now really pulling my nerves. I couldn't believe he did not understand how I feel. And he said his heart has broke. What about mine? What about my brothers? He didn't drop even one tear. He didn't care. After that my brother and I went to watch a movie. It really made me feel better.

When I woke up today. It felt so unreal. I wasn't quite sure was that a good thing or not. My brother gave me his new phone number and told me I can call him anytime. I know it has only been one day but I miss him. I don't wanna even think how will I feel after a week.

I'm gonna be fine. I hope I will. I have to.

P.S. Still not a word from Him..