The Acrimony Anomaly [Naruto Fanfic]

Where the Hell are They All Coming From?!

     After almost killing her, Kurama had managed to settle his chakra to heal her. Of course, the Kyuubi was pissed at her stupidity and recklessness so he settled with straining her chakra coils by a ton. Oh boy, that was a bitch.

     Tsubaki almost screamed out in pain. Almost. The thing was... Some pleasure may or may not have derived from it. 

     When everything had healed, she flexed her muscles and felt about for the stab wound. There was absolutely no remnant of it except for the painstaking memory of Snake-bitch stabbity-stabbing her in the stomach. "I'm all good now. I'm not going to die anytime soon."

     Naruto's arms snaked around her waist and she could feel a wetness on her shoulder, "Don't you dare do that again... Or I will find a way to bring you back and kill you myself and bring you back again."

     Smiling she replied, "Hai..."

     No one noticed the lingering sadness in her eyes. She could never keep Naruto's promise as long as she lived. Her purpose was to fix her mistakes and that came with many risks. 

     Sighing, she flopped down on her back, staring up at the ceiling. When had she became to tired? So many things bombarded her and now were taking a toll. "You guys... Thanks for everything. I really mean it."

     Sasuke frowned, "Don't talk like you're dying."

     "Correction, " she muttered, "I was dying."

     Hashirama stood over her. "Come on, we need to revise our plans."

    "That's right, " Sakura murmured, "Orochimaru... He's going to come back, isn't he?"

     Fear leaked into the female's voice. All of Team 7's eyes hardened at the thought and they knew that they were powerless against the guy. None of them could even dream of landing a fatal hit on Tsubaki when she was just playing around. This guy was on a whole other level.

     "He is, " the female Uchiha replied bitterly, "I have a feeling that his interests had been changed to me though..."

      A new voice had entered in, "Why is that, Tsubaki?"

     She froze, turning her head in that direction, "Someone please, get my grave ready."

     "On it, " the Uzumaki promised.

     It was Itachi, her brother, and who knows how the hell he was able to get in there. A crow sat on his shoulder, which was probably the one that witnessed her whole fight with the Sannin. How he had travelled so fast... No one was exactly sure. 

     "Aniki, " Sasuke whispered, his legs giving out, causing him to kneel on the floor.

     She got herself up and faced her older brother, "Well, I..."

     Tsubaki thought that he was going to do his signature poke to the forehead, but she was instead met with a fist. "ITAI!!!!!!!!!!!!"

     "That, " he huffed, "Is for almost getting yourself killed."

     Wincing, she rubbed her forehead, "But it's Orochimaru I was fighting! I didn't know that he actually was going to be that powerful! After all, that old geeser trained him!"

     "Oh, " a voice exclaimed, " I didn't know that I was an old geeser."

     "Great, " she mumbled, "More uninvited people are joining the party... What's next? Hashirama? Oh wait, he's standing right next to me."

     'Genma' elbowed her in the gut, "Dude, he's going to murder us. Stop already."

     "If you're the first Hokage then use you authority that should have exceeded the stars in this village!"

     "But then I'll be targeted!"

     Scowling, she shot back, "I am the only one allowed to kill you."

     "Ye- Wait, no! You're not allowed to kill me at all!"

     "Wanna bet?"

      The Hokage cleared his throat, "No bets. However, Itachi has told me about your run in with my old student..."

     "So that's why this whole place isn't overrun with Anbu yet, " she murmured aloud, thinking in her head thoughtfully.

     "I have now assigned Itachi Uchiha as an undercover Anbu that will protect Sasuke."

     "Wait just one second, " Tsubaki butted in, holding her arms out as if to signal a 'stop', "What about me?"

     "I don't see a need, after all, you have your own personal Anbu."

      "Hit me up with that good shit, my homie!"

      An Anbu appeared, waiting for its master's orders. 

Did I forget to mention...?

     She hugged his arm dramatically, trying to not bump into the huge, yellow scroll on his back. The Anbu had his tanto readied.

     "I'm assigning you as my protector."

     He nodded back at her, whipping out a brush and ink from his pouch.

     "You're too stiff, " she muttered, "If you're going to be my homie... TAKE OFF THE MASK!"

     Snatching the mask off, she revealed the young boy's black hair and eyes yet translucent skin. "That's better... But I believe that you should have a name switch. It doesn't seem to fit you at all. You look too young to be a drug lord."

-Flashback-

     "You'll meet a boy in the Anbu that looks kind of like a Uchiha."

     "Kind of like...?"

     "If you meet him too early, he won't have a name... In other worlds, his name is Sai."

-Flashback end-

    Sighing, she held her head with her head, "Your name will be Sai."

    At the boy's expression of indifference, she attempted to grab his cheeks and force them into a upwards smile. It was horrendous. Still, it made her feel somewhat accomplished.

     "Actually, instead of dealing drugs, you might have to take some yourse-"

    "Tsubaki, " Itachi facepalmed, "Time to get back on track."

    "Oh, right."

     The Kage of Konohagakure turned to her, "So, Tsubaki, what do you think needs to happen in order to protect the village from Orochimaru?"

     Smirking, she answered in the best way possible, "Me, you, Hashirama against Snake-bitch. We take him down before he taps any Uchiha ass and we kick his followers' asses. Explosions. Blood. Guts. Maiming. Castrating. The whole shabaam. Shit that went down goes viral and we all are heroes that gain huge targets on our backs. How's that for a spicy debut?"

    Then Tsubaki Uchiha added, "I can already imagine the media tracking my every move and taking things out of context... 'Tsubaki Uchiha did an oopsie and may even be an alleged Nazi.' "

     Everyone facepalmed and groaned in annoyance, "We mean for real... What is your actual plan?"

     "We blow him up Dei-Dei style."

     Meanwhile, at the Akatsuki hideout, a huge swell of pride blossomed in Deidara's chest. "Someone has realized how fleeting art is, un!"

     Sasori scoffed, "Let me make a puppet out of them and then we can see how "fleeting" art is."

     Tobi waltzed on in and stopped, almost losing his happy-go-lucky demeanor, "Tobi wants to know where Itachi-senpai is!"