I am fine, or at least I want to be

This Empty Feeling

What is this?

I am supposed to be happy all the time. These years are supposed to be the best years of my life. I used to wake up every day and look forward to all the things I had to do during the day. Now, I look forward to the day I can go to sleep again and get this life over with.

May 7th. 11:52 p.m.

I can't seem to get some sleep. I am thinking of all the ways I would be better off dead. I have not shed a single tear, yet I feel a lot worse than the times I have shed millions. I don't know what is keeping me from not living anymore, but It's something inside me that tells me I simply can't do that. That would be the easy way out.

May 13th. 12:31 a.m.

The hours of sleep I get are gradually decreasing. This feeling is stubborn and it doesn't seem to go away. It's like sadness, but even deeper; it's somehow empty. I have been sad many time in my life before, and after a few days, it went away. Sometimes, when the reason for me being sad was really significant, It took a little more time. Sometimes it never went away, but after some time, it wasn't as bad anymore. This was different. This was not going away, It was getting worse.

May 27th. 1:19 a.m.

GET THIS FEELING AWAY FROM ME. It is now so strong it has made me cry more than I have ever cried in my entire life. This feeling is eating me from the inside. I can't keep pretending I am fine. Nobody knows what I am feeling. Nobody knows what anyone in this world is feeling. This world is a twisted mind player that has told us that life is good and that we should enjoy it. Well, guess what? Life is not good. Life is not enjoyable. Life is a twisted rollercoaster on which you are down and sad in most parts. Be positive? See the good? Then what? are you just going to ignore the bad until it comes and consumes you from how big you let it get? That doesn't seem like a good choice now does it? I am sick and tired of this life and waking up every day to simply go to school and stand among people who clearly don't want me to be there. I have my friends, and they are great. But I still have to live with the other people in my class who want me to clearly be gone from their lives. 

I cry myself to sleep that night. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I could feel it in my soul that soon, my secret would be out. That I wouldn't be alone in this battle. To most people that would feel good, but at that moment, it felt worse than the last night. I would be admitting to everyone that I need help, and I don't know why, but I feel like people won't understand. The truth is, I don't even understand what I am going through. So how will other people be able to help me then?