For as long as i can remember, i’ve always went to bed praying that i wouldn’t wake up the next day. Every morning i woke up and felt defeated, like life was thrusting itself in my face and i was helpless in its presence. The sun shines through my windows, waking me up from a deep sleep, and from darkness to light i feel as if i don’t deserve the chance of another day.
I haven’t done anything seriously bad to justify my claim. I have never killed anyone, or betrayed anyone, or even insulted someone to their face. The reason i feel this way is because i spend every day doing nothing, wasting it and throwing it back in God’s face. He gives me these days as each are like gifts, so rare and limited. Others have the misfortune of running out of days which they’ve spent contributing and adding value to the world and to the lives of others. Everyone’s lives are connected with so many others, but i have committed neither good nor bad acts which spread onto others. I feel strongly that i don’t matter in this world and that i will find greater pleasure in not waking up and facing the bleakness of my life every day. I know what you are thinking, and i have heard what others say to people in a similar position as myself. They say to do something. They tell you to make something of your life and to stop wasting your time. But how can you if you feel so worthless and insignificant, knowing that nothing you do will matter? I feel nothing, permanently numb and wishing that i could feel alive, pain, sadness, anything. If you feel nothing, then you feel like giving up on life and the new experiences that no matter how hard you try you will never fully appreciate it like the rest of the world. Instead you just stop wishing for those emotions, and you change your wishes so that you can stop wishing and wanting full stop.
Just for the record, i’m not suicidal. Well, not entirely. As much as i want to stop living, i could never have the conviction to carry out the final act. Instead i put my faith in a higher power, hoping that one day he will finally listen to me and take me away from here.
