My Three Hearts: The Issues of my Hidden and Personal Life

The Purple Heart-💜

Oh boy. Here we go.

The purple heart is my feminine side. Whenever I feel like a girl, I want to be exactly like a girl. I want to wear a dress, throw on some makeup, and skip to class.

Okay,
Maybe not exactly like that, but you get the point.

I feel girly, and I want to do girly stuff. Shopping? Yes. Wearing a dress? Yes. Makeup? Maybe a little. I want to become a girl in these moments.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm biologically a male.

But there's more than simply me wanting to be female.
It's a mindset, too.

I have to think to myself about what bathroom to walk into, as I don't want to walk into the wrong one.
But which one is the wrong one?
But you are a girl, so go there!
But you aren't physically one, so let's not.

By this point someone is standing behind me as I'm causing a 10 mile long line as I'm wondering about where I should go.

Yay me.

💜💜💜💜💜💜

The desire to become a girl extends beyond issues on which bathroom to enter, or which dressing room to be in, or what I should wear.

I feel uncomfortable in my skin.  I become hypersensitive to my chest and feel like I need a bra. I become jealous of girls.

They don't need to worry about this.
They have what I want.
Why wasn't I born a girl?

It's hard to express in words exactly how I feel.

Imagine as if you're sitting in an airplane, and the two people sitting next to you are broad and take up both arm rests and don't move. You know the feeling. You're squished, uncomfortable, but not out of place, per se. You change how you sit, but eventually it goes back to being how it was.

That's similar to how I feel when my purple heart takes over.

If that analogy is confusing you...
Imagine as if you're wearing a pair of clothes that are a size too small. They fit, but the pressure exerted on you by the clothes makes you feel uncomfortable for the day.

💜💜💜💜💜💜

The Purple Heart changes more than how I feel, it changes how I think as well.

The Purple Heart, which I've named Alice, is more compassionate and cares more about people. Alice wants to hug everyone, listen, and help you to the best of her ability.

(This is weird to be referring to yourself in the third person...)

Alice is an angel. She will go out of her way to help everyone. While I am Alice, I catch myself thinking more about people's problems. I think more along the lines of help and support. I put others before myself and would do anything for my friends.

Basically, Alice is the blue-eyed blonde-haired teenage girl barefoot in a field of sunflowers wearing a yellow sundress that skips over to you when you tripped over a root and extends an arm down to help you up.

💜💜💜💜💜💜

It's weird to write like this, and as I do it more often I hope I get better at it.

If you have any questions, or comments, please feel free to leave them here (or anywhere in the book). I'll try to answer and respond to everyone.

Please be respectful.

As I said, I love you all! Hugs and kisses!
-💜