|The Book of All Things|

The Seventh Step

*warning: it's a bit personal I wanna let go from my mind and tiny triggers here, idk if it is or not.)

"Are you living or being part of it?"

I always ask myself this when something is or going to be wrong. I guess at times, I have to ask myself from time to time. Whenever I have no one to talk with..

Sighs...

Yep, I don't really have anyone to talk or open up to completely. Well I'm sure you all are thinking, either you're in the same situation or why did I choose this.

Um well that's kinda simple really. I chose this for not for myself but to please someone. I thought that was enough to make them know I'm willingly to anything for that person, told people such as friends I have known through out school days and so on. Gave them my time, trust, love, feelings, being honest, plus my full attention. So I guess you know what I am trying to say... Or not.. but, anyway..

As all good things have an ending.
.
.
.
.

(Sigh) I think back to those things I have saw and how I felt at that moment, trying to hold in my tears and not make a sound of my own cries.

(╯︵╰,)

I was betrayed.. And believe it or not, it was my first time in a long time.

Emotionally and mentally.

I felt as if my whole world was destroyed, everything I have sacrifice for.

Myself
.
My home
.
And more importantly..
.
My life

I thought I did everything right, gave them my all..

I opened up to them completely; told them my past, fears, worries, triggers, and most of all.. My dream. All of it.

And what did i get in return.

Full course of betrayal with side of lying to my freaking face. (yes, I don't curse.. It's just not me)

Also.. To make it worse, that person was with another person who I thought at that moment was my friend..

FYI, that THING.. Who I really thought was my friend.. I also gave them a place to crash when they have problems and offered to help them with stuff.. But same too..

That THING gave me another plate of betrayal and hint of slap in my face.

.
.
.

I was so angry and heartbroken when I saw the proof.

Of all these years, all of those days of being completely clean for that one person only..

Wasted..

Gone..
.
.
.
.

Poof...

And make it worse

I.. I forgive that person, why? It's because I still love that person and I always try to make it right/work.

That's just how I am.

but of course! not the other so call friend. She can drop dead for all I care, she knew at that moment that person I gave everything to.. is taken.

Ugh!!

Believe it or not.

To be honest right now to you all,

I don't feel the same, not anymore. I know it will take time to recover.

Both mentally and emotionally,

... physically too.

So to answer my own question,

I'm just gonna live my life and try to make it the best while being part of it.

(Also, I'm sorry to say all of this.. I just need to let it all out. Besides going to therapist or family member, ik they are there to help but I'm not comfortable with that just yet.. Been too long)