Behind The Lies | yoonmin

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 9:

I played it again and again and again. Hindi alam ni Yoongi na pinasa ko yung voice record ni Jimin sa phone ko. Maybe I am insane for doing that but I don't know... I can't stop listening.

Tinutulungan ko si mama na magluto ng pagkain sa bahay habang si papa naman yung nagbabantay kay Yoongi sa ospital. Naghuhugas lang ako ng gulay habang si mama naman, nilalabas yung mga gagamitin niya sa pagluluto.

"Paulit ulit yung kanta ha. LSS?" Tanong ni mama kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. Ningitian ko si mama pero hindi ko alam isasagot ko. Tumango na lang ako para isipin niyang LSS lang ako.

"Suga, nakausap mo na ba yung agency mo? Nasabi mo na bang uuwi tayo ng Korea for awhile?" Tanong ni mama. Nilagay ko na yung mga gulay sa bowl at nagsimula na si mama maghiwa.

Napakamot ako ng ulo ko. Yoongi wants to go back to Korea. His days are numbered. He wants to go back to where it all started just to feel Jimin's presence until his last day.

And he also wants me to be him. Yoongi wants me to be Yoongi. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. Ayaw kong lokohin si Jimin. I want him to know me by who I am... not by pretending to be my twin who is undoubtedly in love with him.

I can't pretend to be my brother and worse, pretend to love someone I am not in love with.

But that is Yoongi's wish. So, what should I do?

"I'm gonna tell them later." Sagot ko kay mama. Tinignan niya ako at hinawakan niya ako sa pisngi. She smiled to me even though I know how much pain she's feeling right now.

"Don't leave Yoongi's side again." Sabi niya, "We left him when he was in pain because of Eunice. We can't let him down now. We know how much Yoongi wants to live more so, let's help him live the life he deserves."

Pinunasan ni mama yung luhang tumulo sa mga mata ko. I am not strong. I am weak.

Yoongi is dying... and I feel like I am dying too. I am dying with him.

"I don't want him to leave me." Nanginginig yung boses ko habang sinasabi ko kay mama yung nararamdaman ko, "I was born with him. I grew up with him. I want him to see my future, Ma. But knowing that he will leave me alone, I feel lost. I feel dead."

I see myself having a family of my own. Tapos nandon si Yoongi, babatukan yung mga inaanak niya dahil nanghihingi na naman ng pera sa kaniya. We will have family gatherings with our family, mine and his. Ikakasal sila ni Jimin tapos ako yung best man sa kasal nila.

But it's not gonna happen anymore. I will not see Yoongi in our family gatherings. There is no Yoongi in my wedding. I will grow old without a brother on my side.

Mas lalong umiyak si mama dahil nakikita niya akong mahina. Nagpapanggap akong matapang para sa kanila pero ngayon, nakikita na niya yung totoong nararamdaman ko, "He may be gone, but he will forever be here." Tinuro ni mama yung puso ko at pinunasan niya yung luha ko.

Niyakap ko si mama ng mahigpit at pinakalma na rin namin yung sarili namin bago kami magpatuloy sa pagluluto. Hinatid ko si mama sa ospital bago ako pumunta sa agency.

Alys texted me that she is waiting for me in her office kaya doon na ako dumiretso. Pagpasok ko, sinabi niya sakin na on the way pa lang yung boss namin kaya naghintay na lang muna kami sa office niya.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Tanong ko kay Alys habang nakasandal ako sa pader. Tinititigan kasi ako ni Alys na parang naaawa na nandidiri na ewan siya sakin.