Right now... looking outside my new apartment window... I feel a sense of emptiness. I'm trying to suppress this strong, inevitable feeling longing and loneliness. It continues to force itself through my barriers and each time it succeeds to crumble me a little further. I want it to go away. I want all of this to go away. I wish I was the girl that I was before. The one who couldn't give a fuck about some guy.
But that's just it... you weren't just some guy. You were my first love. And no matter how I try to convince myself that you don't matte, deep down, you are the biggest part of my life right now. I'm at the age in my life where I haven't experienced a lot and I know there's a lot more to come, but I can't fast forward until I'm happy again. I have to live through this... every day until one day I just won't anymore.
I have to tell myself not to think about you. I have to hold myself back from texting you. I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't real. You don't mean anything to me. You didn't respect me and you don't deserve me. You lost someone amazing. I am amazing. I was the best person that ever graced your life and you took me for granted. And I let myself slip. I let myself fall in love with you and my barriers went away. And that's why I'm struggling so hard now. Because there is no brace for me now. I have to start all over, to protect myself again. Like a broken ball of clay, I have to slowly add piece after piece until I'm whole again.
Somehow, I have to make sure I don't crumble along the way.
I want you to message me. I want you to fight for me. I want you to beg on your knees for me.
Because I will not face humiliation again. By simply letting you back in my life. Letting you break me down all over again. No.
If you loved me like you said you did, you'd work for me. You'll go through every obstacle I'll throw at you because you know the finishing prize would be a life with me. How you were wrong. You were so fucking wrong to hurt me the way you did. And I won't break down barriers for you. I'll hold them around my heart like Iron Man's steel. Because even if I do give you another chance, it'll only be so you can continue to show me your worth. Not because I forgave you, but because I know better this time. I'd be willing to share my life with you again, but it will take awhile for me to trust you again.
That's in the future. And who knows if that'll actually happen. Because right now, I hate you. I loved you so much that now I hate you. I have to move on. I have to let you go. And I need to remind myself? That I want nothing to do with you. Because you're trash. Nothing but someone who made me happy but ruined my life in the end. And if it weren't for the times that made me happy... I could have easily been over you by now. Because you are nothing special. There's nothing good about you. What was good about you was me and you lost that. So now you have nothing to give. Sad. and Pathetic.
So now... looking at my laptop screen and letting out the words I want to say to you... I'm not empty. I'm angry. And anger is better than sadness. Because sadness makes you weak. It makes you lay in bed all day and wonder what went wrong. Anger knows what went wrong and it was never me. It was you.
