Wanderlust [ editing ]

9. The Knowing.

"Thanks for a fun night" I say to Caleb "I'll see you around campus."

I give him a quick hug and walk into my apartment. I lock the door and sit on the couch and take a deep breath.

I couldn't think straight all night. All I can think about is Emily and Abel. I've been trying to find a perfectly good explanation for everything, but nothing makes sense. There's just no way the message could mean anything else.

"Kris, you home?" I hear Emily say from her room.

"Yes." I reply. Emily comes out of her room and gives me a hug.

"Hey. Have you seen my phone?" She says.

I try to hold back my tears. I can't let her know I know, not yet.

"Uh, yeah." I take it out of my bag. "You left it here. I was gonna drop by and give it to you but-" my voice starts shaking "- I uh, forgot."

"Hey, hey, hey." Emily hugs me. "What's wrong?"

"Don't hug me." I don't want her to realize I know anything, but I'm losing it.

"Krissa, I care about you. What's going on?" she says as she hugs me tighter.

I begin to laugh. "Care about me? You care about me?!" she looks at me very confused.

I pause.

"Yeah, you do. I'm sorry. I just had a.. rough night" I say. "I think I'm going to go for a walk. I'll talk to you later." I say as I put on my Abel's black XO hoodie and walk out the door.

I begin walking to Abel's apartment with a million thoughts running through my head. I don't understand anything. "Why?" is the only question I keep asking myself. I've known Emily for years and years. We grew up together! And Abel.. I've only known him for a month or so, but I thought we shared a special connection. I've literally been craving his love for so long. His love. His touch. His warmth. Him. He's all I've been focused on. He's all I've been wanting and all of a sudden my feelings toward him are all jumbled. You'd think I'd mean something important to him after all this time.

5 to 7 blocks later of dragging my worn out sneakers across the cold sidewalk I finally arrive at Abel's apartment. I walk slowly up the 2 steps and knock on his door. Seconds later he opens the door.

"Kris. I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight." He says.

"Yeah. Me either." I say. I already feel a lump in my throat, but I make my best attempt to suck it up.

"Well.. come in." he says as he opens the door all the way.

I step into the door and I sit on the couch thinking of ways to bring the situation up.

"So. What brings you here tonight? It's nearly midnight." he asks.

"Well" I begin. "Uh... never mind."

Abel chuckles. "Ohhh. I get it." he says as he scooches closer to me and leans in for a kiss.

"No, no!" I say louder than I should've. "That's not why I'm here!"

Abel leans back on the couch and calmly says "Then what?"

"Why don't you ask Emily." I say looking at Abel's face.. waiting for his expression which is blank.

"What?" He asks.

"Emily. You know. My best friend, also known as the-other-girl-youve-been-seeing." I say crossing my arms.

"Okay, Okay. Calm down." Abel says getting up and putting his arms on my shoulder.

"No. You calm whatever game you're playing. Do what you want. Go out, drink, party because frankly I don't give a shit! BUT when it starts affecting MY life, that's when I have a problem."

"Why are you so concerned? We're not dating!" he says.

"BECAUSE!" I say. "UGH. You know I have feelings for you. You KNOW Emily is my best friend!" I exclaim.

"Well. It's her life. It's my life. Stop controlling what I do. Since when can you tell me who I can and cannot see?" he replies.

"Is this a joke?! Abel, from the moment I met you I had feelings for you. We shared one small conversation that lasted in the least 5 minutes. From that moment I saw potential in you, potential in us! I knew there was something in you. I thought I meant something to you-" I begin.

"Krissa.." Abel says but I interrupt

-but I was wrong! What about all the stuff you told me? How YOU thought I was different?! How you said you love talking and sharing things with me. YOU LIED. That's all you are! A liar!" I get teary eyes.

"After everything I told you! I understand we're not dating, okay? I get that, but you know how I feel about you!!" I say.

"Okay, Okay. I'm sorry. Please, calm down." he says as he grabs my hand.

"No." I snatch my hand out of his.

"I think it's best if we just stop whatever this is." I say.

"C'mon. Don't do this." he says taking a step towards me.

"I'm sorry." I say as I walk out of his apartment

"Damn it!" I hear Abel say as I close the door behind me.

It's about 12:30 am and I'm walking home, crying with every step I take. The cold air hits my face, making my tears and face cold.

I knew love and happiness was too good to be true. All I wanted was to be with him, but he never gave us a chance. He took me for granted to the point where I didn't see the need to continue trying for him.

I finally arrive at my apartment at at 1:30 am (Yes, I walked extremely slow so it took me an hour to get home.) I walk in and see Emily standing up.

"Oh my God! Where have you been? Are you okay?" she asks as I.simply walk past her, the kitchen, and living room and into my bedroom with a pale blank face of disappointment.

"Kris?" She says and I ignore her.

I go to my closet and take out a luggage bag and zip it open. The sound of the zip.. it sounded like my heart breaking, it sounded like the tears falling down my cheeks onto Abel's hoodie.. it sounded like my entire world crashing down.

I throw in most of my clothing and shoes into the bag as Emily stands behind me calling out my name, but I can't hear her correctly. All I hear is a muffled sound.. a sound that bursts my eardrums each time she says "Krissa." I also put a few of my things in my purse. I zip close my luggage bag and begin rolling it out of my room with Emily following behind me.

I unlatch the lock and step out of my apartment and Emily is standing behind me by the door. I slowly turn around and lift my head, looking her in the eyes. I see her standing there, her hands clenched around her robe, her arms filled with goosebumps from the cool wind. I stare at her in silence. I see myself in the reflection in her glasses. The strays of my dark brown hair sticking to my face from my tears. My eyes all red and huge from 7 blocks of walking and crying. Abel's hoodie looks worn out all of a sudden. All I do is stare, not feeling anything. I take a deep sigh and finally manage out a few little words that would be the last words spoken to Emily:

Abel is all yours.

With that, I turn around and walk down the steps, dragging my luggage and barely being able to keep my purse in my hand, my entire body feeling boneless and weak. I start walking down the street, hearing the shuffle of Emily's slippers behind me until they finally stop, but I continue walking away. Everything around me is silent, but all I hear are the faint pleads of Emily saying:

"I'm sorry" and "Come back"

I wipe my last tear and continue to drag my feet, as if brick blocks have been tied around my ankles. I hear my feet cracking the ground every time I steps on it. But, of course.. that could also be the sound of my heart slowly wilting.