You're Yellow, I'm Natural Blue - Gawsten Soulmate Onshot

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TW//

Extreme homophobia (no slurs), anxiety, panic attacks. Stay safe.

Title: lyrics from Stupid For You by Waterparks (video above)

Everyone has a clock, a timer counting down. It's imbedded in their skin, just below the wrist. You can always feel it, you're always aware whether you want to be or not.

I try not to look at mine because I don't want to feel anxious over it. I don't want to have to anticipate the moment. I just want to live it.

But right now, for whatever reason, I look.

I'm alone in my bedroom on the upper floor of my house. My radio is playing an alternative station quietly. I just got off the phone with my friend Otto. I know it's not going to be now. I'm alone.

I take off the bandana I have neatly tied around my wrist, covering the clock perfectly.

I admire the natural blue rim of the clock before looking.

That's another thing.

The rim of your clock is a certain color that generalizes your personality. This blue means you're a lot softer inside than outside. You want the best for those around you. Sometimes standing up for yourself seems impossible but when you do, it's strong and hard to stop. All of which is true for me.

The color doesn't make you who you are, at least that's what we're all told. The color knows you. It knows who you will be when you're older. Maybe it can effect you a little when others see it and treat you a certain way, which is one of the reasons I wear the bandana around mine. It's also a this blue, but people don't know it's my clock color. At least I don't think.

My eyes drift from the rim to the time, a soft gray light that still makes me uneasy.

It's not today. It has no reason to be today.

The light was supposed to make me uneasy. Not this. I'm not supposed to feel this. This is wrong, this isn't right, it shouldn't be this.

0000d 00h 00m 32s.

That's today. That's almost now. It's so close. But what if it isn't?

Some people's clocks are "broken." They stop at one second. They don't meet their soulmate. Ever.

This could be because of a few reasons. They or their soulmate died. One of them panicked and left. Or they just don't have one.

I have to have one though. I don't want to be lonely. I can't, I can't I can'tIcan'tIcant-

I feel the tears rolling down my face. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I get on my phone to text Otto and Jawn. My breath gets faster and fasterandfasterandfaster-

0000d 00h 00m 10s.

Everything feels white. Emotionally, physically. This is normal when I have panic attacks. My chest feels white, my arms and my legs and my head and my thoughts, it's a blinding white. Like static, but worse. My head hurts.

0000d 00h 00m 08s.

It's okay. I'll be okay.

I try to tell myself this. I stop crying but everything is just as white, now just with a little bit of orange.

I'm still on my phone. I begin to go into the group chat. My vision is blurry from tears. I feel like I just got above the water from drowning. My breathing is off.

0000d 00h 00m 04s.

But what if it is really no one?

0000d 00h 00m 03s