Missing You Every Step Of The Way (Bellarke)

Blood, Sweat and Fears

Holy crap guys! 60 reads since my last chapter?! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Sorry about the wait but here is a chapter that encompasses the time-gap between Season 2 and 3 where Bellamy and Clarke are apart but I'll be writing about their feelings and mental states so if there are some other ships in here (e.g Gina) it's just for the sake of the realistic storyline. I might write another one-shot after this that gives more info on it too before I start the Season 3 storyline. Let me know if you think I should. :)

The Ark Station in the sunlight blinded Bellamy's eyes as he made his way towards the watchtower by the corrugated, steel gate. His eyes swept the grounds of Camp Jaha as he absently watched children playing in one corner on a patch of green surrounded by small tunnels and a slide made from shrapnel. They had been built when the engineers had too much time on their hands; which was a small luxury they now had. Time. 

To his left lay the medical wing, now situated in the Ark Station and fully functioning thanks to Abby Griffin. But Bellamy didn't want to think about her right now, not after everything. So he stoically climbed the ladder and dismissed Miller from duty with a quick smile before assuming his watch of the trees. 

Since returning from Mount Weather many things had changed, including Bellamy's surprise promotion to deputy head of the guard. He hadn't expected it after all that had happened within the place that kept him up at night, but Kane had insisted after he'd apparently shown his true willingness to protect people, at any cost. 

That's what makes you a prime example of a guardsman - he'd said. 

Bellamy didn't want it. 

The only reason he sat atop the tower day in day out was to keep his mind from wandering; to keep himself occupied. Because if he stayed still for too long, the nightmares would creep up on him, leaving him unreachable and cold to anyone who tried to approach. That included Raven, Monty and Harper and even Octavia who, try as they might, failed to persuade him to interact with them at mealtimes and in the evenings when Monty would distribute his uncompromised but abundant supply of moonshine. Bellamy favoured the seclusion of his tent over the inevitable silence that followed someone's drunken mention of all they had lost. Or who they had lost. 

And of course, Jasper avoided them all. No one knew where he was most days. 

The nightmares were the worst. It had only been a month and Bellamy was still consumed by them. Every slumbering minute, Lovejoy's son made regular appearances to his subconscious along with Maya and Dante who shouted and screamed for him to save them, to do something that didn't end in their deaths. But every time he relived the moment, his hand on the lever, all he saw was Octavia; a gun pressed to her head; a well-trained guard standing over her waiting to pull the trigger. 

So he would do it, over and over again. Killing hundreds in his dreams until the tears stopped coming when the time came. He shed none when he'd relived it enough but it was when the person whose hand he'd held, appeared, that he lost it all over again. 

The blonde hair and blue eyes he'd imagined a million times since they'd parted in the woods that day. 

His everyday routine didn't do much to help him temporarily forget the presence of her in his life, no matter how many times he tried to escape it. A small child with blonde hair, Jackson and Abby running to Medical in an emergency, all his friends sat around a fire that reminded him a little too often of their Unity Day celebrations with the original 100 members of the dropship. 

Sometimes Bellamy missed those times so much that they settled like a dull ache inside him. 

Although the one thing that hurt the most was that after all the nightmares, after all the pain and reminders of that day in the mountain, she wasn't there to talk to him about any of it. Bellamy wanted it to stop so he delved into his routines to block it out; though her being there would've made it that much more bearable. Easier.