Chaelisa

I

(Rosé's POV)

It's the 2018 Melon Music awards.  Even though we've performed ddu-du ddu-du countless times, I still get a bit nervous every time. The others get nervous too, but sometimes I feel like I fret the most over it. I want to make our blinks happy. I don't want to fail and disappoint them. 

I love our stage outfits this time around. Jisoo looks especially well in her red, velvet, long sleeve and black skirt. Jennie, with her cute braid and sparkly sash. 

Lisa is on a whole other level of perfection tonight. Everything about her is radiating. The pink color of her cropped shirt looks so well with her hair, and the sparkly beads on her shirt glisten in the light. Not to mention her black knee high boots that accent her long legs. And, lastly, her hair. I love her bangs and her wavy, blonde hair that pools over her shoulders. There's something about her bangs that just...add to her perfection. They are hot, yet they make her look young and innocent at the same time.

I grimace as I feel a pain of guilt. I guess you could say that I'm into girls with bangs. I wince at the thought. Don't think like that. I smack my forehead, as if that'll get rid of my dangerous thoughts.

And, yes, there's that: an ache deep, down in the depths of my heart. It's a growing curiosity, shame and guilt. I don't know when it started, my sort of obsession with Lisa. I don't want to declare that I like Lisa or that I'm into girls. If I admit it, then it has to be true. 

And it can't be true.

If I bury it deep down, it doesn't have to be true. No one will ever know.

My head feels foggy. 

Our manager, Jong Hyuck, waves us over. We all huddle around him. Lisa stands next to me, her shoulder lightly brushing mine. I can feel her warmth, and it makes my skin tingle. 

No! Stop thinking like that!  

I want to cry. I want to run away and be alone. I want to be alone in silence and think. 

I just want time to think and clear my thoughts. 

It's hard being around Lisa, and I can't stand it. I feel locked in a cage. We spend all of our time together, which is expected since we perform together. And, I can't talk to anyone about it, since we're all close and Lisa would end up knowing.

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. What would they think of me, if they knew I liked girls. 

No! It's it not true. It's just a phase. I try to reassure myself, but the confusion stays on the surface, threatening to boil over. 

My fingers keep fretting with the hem of my shirt, in an attempt to distract myself from my thoughts. 

"Your'e going on in five," he says. I take a deep breath. I can barely focus, and it's not good. If I'm thinking about this on stage, I won't perform well. For now, I'll have to keep my feelings locked away. 

The next five minutes go by really fast. We spend it warming up, quickly running through choreography, and hyping each other up for the performance. It's not long before we're standing on the stage. 

The stadium vibrates with the cheers from everyone and the intro music. I still can't believe they're all cheering for us. It seems so unreal. For a moment, I get lost in the sensation of the crowd and their energy. 

Only, when I see Lisa standing there, the light reflecting off her beads and shining down on her, I get lost. 

She looks so beautiful standing there, my heart almost stops. 

Focus. Breathe. The music ques, and we start the choreography. I know I need to focus. If I don't do well, I'll beat myself up for it later. 

I start to sing. My voice comes out shaky. 

Oh no, I think, this is not good. 

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(I picked a random name for the manager I don't actually know what the Blackpink manager name is)