Once upon a time, there was a poor widow who lived in an apartment with her son, Jack. Now, Jack was good-hearted and always meant well, but he was also a complete idiot and never did anything. Because of this, they became very poor indeed.
One day, the widow decided that she and Jack would surely starve unless they sold the one possession she had left – her Mercedes-Benz. One morning, she told Jack to go downtown and sell the car.
"Sure thing, Mom," Jack replied, and he set off, singing as he went. After several complaints from the neighbors about his singing, Jack finally reached the marketplace. There, he met the owner of a rapidly-growing fast-food chain who was carrying some strange, brightly colored beans in his hand. Jack could not help but stare at them. So the fast-food-chain-owner whispered to Jack that these were magic beans and soon persuaded the simple-minded moron into trading his car for them.
Jack was very proud of himself and ran home, tripping over seven dogs and one elderly woman along the way. But when the widow learned what her son had done, she beat him with a frying pan and shouted "you idiot! Now we're going to starve!" Not wanting to die before her stupid son, she ate the beans.
Jack was upset that he did not get to eat the beans, but something strange soon happened. His mother began to groan, and s gigantic beanstalk began to grow out of her mouth. It was so thick and leafy that it made a kind of ladder, and Jack stared in awe while his mother struggled to get up from under the giant plant.
"I wonder where it goes," Jack said. "I think I will climb it for no apparent reason!"
His mother gladly watched as her burden of a son climbed up out of sight. She was finally free.
Up he went, higher and higher, until everything below him looked small enough to fit into his hand, and still he could not see the top of the beanstalk. He climbed so high he began to enjoy the dizziness. At last, he poked his head up through the white clouds and found himself at the top of the beanstalk.
He stepped off the beanstalk and fell through the clouds, landing with a loud "THUD" in a nearby field. After several years of intensive care in the local hospital, Jack was well enough to climb the beanstalk again.
When he finally reached the top (again), he stepped off the beanstalk into a strange and beautiful land. There were woods all around and green pastures where cows were grown to be used as test subjects in a nearby genetics lab. A stream of crystal-clear water ran before him, and across it, Jack saw a great castle of stone.
As he was staring at it, someone tapped him on the shoulder. Frightened, Jack instinctively punched the figure in the face.
It was a woman dressed in a long red gown trimmed over with the bloody skins of baby animals (okay, fine, it was a mink, but still). She wore an equally ugly hat, and her long hair had footprints on it caused by tripping over it.
"Hello," said Jack. "Is that your castle?"
"You f$@#ing moron! You punched me in the f$@#ing face you stupid f$@#! F$@#!" the lady replied. "Do I look like I own a f$@#ing castle?"
She paused. "I'm sorry about that," she said. "I get a little angry sometimes. That castle once belonged to a successful used-car dealer who lived there with his wife and baby son. He was a good man and loved by all (because he paid them), and he also had many rare and wonderful treasures. Godzilla, who lived nearby, heard of the used-car dealer's good fortune and became very jealous of him. One day, he went to the castle, snuck in, and killed the used car-dealer while he lay sleeping. Luckily, the wife and baby were at a strip club, so Godzilla did not kill them, too. However, he seized the castle and all that was in it. The baby's nurse, who had managed to escape, warned me of what had happened. And so the lady fled with her child to-'' The woman was interrupted by Jack's snoring.
"Wake up!" she shouted at him. "I'm sorry," Jack said. "It's just that this story is really boring. Can you skip ahead and get to the point?"
"Fine," she said. "The used-car salesman was your father, and that castle is rightfully yours."
Jack could hardly believe his ears. "Mine?" he said. "Tell me, what should I do?"
"You must win it back for your mother. But I warn you, it will be a dangerous and difficult task."
"I do not mind that," said Jack. "Just tell me how to do it."
"You must get into the castle somehow and steal from Godzilla a hen that lays golden eggs. Then all will be well."
At that, the ugly woman in red vanished, and Jack decided that he needed to lay off the cough syrup.
He decided to do as she said with only minor delay. Boldly he strode to Godzilla's castle and rang the bell. The door was quickly answered by a great big giantess with three eyes.
"Ah," she cried as soon as she saw Jack, and then she dragged him inside by the ears.
"I am so tired of my life here," she sighed. "Work, work from morning till night. At last, I shall have someone to help me. Of course, I will have to hide you when that beer-guzzling husband of mine is home, for there is nothing he likes better than a nice roasted idiot for supper. With beer, of course.
When Jack heard that he felt a little less frightened. "I'll gladly help you," he said. "But be sure to keep me well hidden from your husband, because being eaten sounds painful."
"Never fear," said the giantess. "I shall hide you in my wardrobe. Godzilla never looks in there. Now go on in and be quick about it. I hear him coming now." The she opened the huge wardrobe and shoved Jack inside. At that moment Godzilla came stomping up the stairs, and each footstep was as loud as a cannon firing.
Jack peered through the keyhole as a rather drunken voice cried:
"Fee, fi, fo, feet!
I smell something."
"You've been drinking again," cried his wife, almost as loudly. "You can't even rhyme properly."
"Shut up!" shouted Godzilla. "Bring me the hen that lays the golden eggs.
The giantess went away and soon returned carrying a little red hen. She set it down in front of Godzilla and went off to bed.
Godzilla picked up the little hen and said, "Lay!" Instantly the little hen laid an egg of pure gold. "Lay!" Godzilla said again. And again the hen laid a gold egg. Then he passed out, probably from drinking too much.
"That might be the hen the ugly woman in red spoke of," Jack thought. "And it must have belonged to my father once."
When he was sure Godzilla wouldn't wake up, Jack crept from the wardrobe. Grabbing the little red hen, he tiptoed out to the kitchen and slipped out the back door. Then he raced as fast as he could back to the beanstalk and climbed down, holding the hen under his arm.
When Godzilla awoke to discover his precious hen missing, he ran in the direction of its scent. The trail led him eventually to the beanstalk, and he began to climb down.
When Jack saw that Godzilla had started climbing down after him, he shouted to his mother, "Quick! Fetch me the axe!" His mother (now free from under the beanstalk) came running with it. Jack grabbed it and with a single blow cut through the beanstalk. The beanstalk came crashing down, down, down, and then with a great thud that made the ground shake and the sky groan, Godzilla landed on top of them, killing them both.
