The summer breeze made all the green plants sway and dance to the rhythm of the beautiful sun shining and clouds floating by. Such beautiful things can easily be ruined. I sat there eyes dazed and glossy eyes as a tear wanted to fall. His face cupped by her small hands and her waist being held by his arms as their lips met and remained together. Something that was said to be perfect, something that was said to last so long brought so much misery to one person, a selfish girl. My thoughts were gone as my mind filled with this one event, it wasn't my event to remember but it raced by my mind but i eventually stopped my dazed state as i felt a warm substance leave my eye and leave a wet trail behind as it moved along my skin, my vision now less blurry as I looked to the side and used my sleeve to remove the tear and it's trail along with the other one that had left her eye.
"Hey you okay?" The voice next to me had tapped my shoulder and gotten my attention although the most I did was nod and look away. The thought of them seeing me with a tear stained face was scary, because when people looked at me they wanted to see a smile. A carefree happy girl who will do anything to make you happy and give you the advice you need and for them to see me upset, I'd be looked down upon, called a liar, I always said I was fine with no problems but that was far from true.
There was always a weight on my chest so heavy that I find it hard to breathe at moments and so many people come to me asking for help and I do what I can but sometimes it's not enough or it's not what they want to hear and they lash out their anger on me saying that Im just not a good friend and I don't know what I'm talking about. I take it and go on with my normal apologizing and then they disappear and I'm left there with my self esteem lower than when we began, a tear stained face and an aching heart but I wouldn't let them know that. I wouldn't want someone to have the trouble of dealing with my issues, all of the weight on my chest is becoming to much for me but I wouldn't let them know that or they'd try to help me but in doing so I'd drive them away.
At home I was nothing, I was invisible. To my parents I just wasn't there as I stood in the shadow of a successful older sister and a spoiled younger one, I wasn't one to stand next to them because I didn't wear a mask that came from one hundred dollar products and i didn't wear cute little dresses but was instead wearing baggy hoodies and giving attitude as I stayed away from my family by remaining in the room all day. The room i shared was with both sisters and the mirrors were big and when I looked in it I saw a girl who had mistake after mistake after mistake with her whole self just not being good enough but I wouldn't let anyone know that.
I looked at the people surrounding me and the only one who had seen my tears was the boy next to me but he had already brushed off the moment and continued his laughter with friends. I looked at the guy who I considered to be amazing with his physical appearance being one i liked and his personality not really the best but I understood why. I saw the good even when no one did, but I was invisible to him as well. I got up and proceeded to walk away with no one questioning my whereabouts and if I were to go and jump out of the window on the other side of the room, none of them would notice until the window opening was heard and a crackle of bones below even then I feel as if they'd brush it off till they heard police sirens outside and then they'd jump up to hide the illegal drugs being smoked at that very moment. So I continued out of the apartment and out of the building and just took a big deep breath trying to clear the thoughts that have flooded my mind. It worked for a second while I exhaled but once I opened my eyes the aching in my chest came back and so did all the weight on it. My vision began to go blurry again and I felt the warm substance begging to leave my eyes and it was hard to blink it away.
I was always good at hiding when my throat burned and I felt like I was suffocating with tears threatening to leave my eyes, it was difficult but I did it for the sake of keeping my friends happy. I was good at hiding the scars on my arms after they were fresh and new. I was good at hiding most things but right now was not a good example and everything felt overwhelming. But then I heard the door of the building open up and I wiped the tears away as I sniffed once and put on a smile as I looked back
"Hey why are you out here" the boy asked and I felt everything come back, and the memory that wasn't mine replayed in my head like a broken record that couldn't be removed, and my breath taken away once again at the boy, I looked away instantly and took a deep breath and stretched out my arms looking for an excuse to come and that moment and I'm glad it did.
"Just in my thoughts" I said as I continued stretching my arms and looked towards the sun starting to hide behind the mountains. I was able to keep the smile, my good image while having the boy in front of me, the one I've loved for so long, the one who had his lips on another but
"I'm glad your happy" I said as I looked back and he looked at me and smiled as he continued his way inside, back inside to the room where she was and I continued being out here continuing to think continuing to suffer continuing all of
The thoughts in my head...
