Did I lock the doors?

Doors

The first time I saw him,

Everything in my head went quiet

 

All the ticks all the constantly refreshing

Images just disappeared.

 

When you have obsessive compulsive

disorder you don't really get a quiet moment.

 

Even in bed i'm thinking:

 

Did I lock the doors? Yes.

Did I wash my hands? Yes.

Did I lock the doors? Yes.

Did I wash my hands? Yes

 

But when I saw him, the only thing I could think

about was the hairpin curve of his lips.

or and eyelash on his cheek.

 

I knew I had to talk to him.

I had to ask him out.

He said yes he was ready.

 

On our first date, I spent more time organizing

my meal by color than I did eating eat.

But he loved it.

 

He loved that I had to kiss him goodbye

He loved that it took me forever to walk home,

Because there were lots of cracks in our sidewalks.

 

When we moved in together, he said he felt

safe, like no one would ever rob us because I

definitely locked the doors.

 

I’d would always watch his mouth when he talked

When he said he loved me, his mouth would

curl up at the edges.

 

At night he would lay up in bed and watch me turn all

the lights off… And on, and off, and on, and off

He would close his eyes and imagine that the

days and nights were passing in front of him.

 

But then.... he said I was taking up too much

of his time.

 

That I couldn’t kiss him goodbye

because I was making him late for work…

 

When he said he loved me, his mouth was a

straight line…

 

When I stopped in front of a crack in the

sidewalk, she just kept walking…

 

And last week he started sleeping at his

mothers place.

 

He told me that he shouldn’t have let me get

so attached to him; that this whole thing was a

mistake, but…

 

How can it be a mistake,

Love is not a mistake and it’s killing me that

he can run away from this and I just can’t.

 

I can’t go out and find someone new because

I always think of him.

 

Usually when I obsess over things, I see

Fire engulfing my skin.

I see myself crushed by an endless succession

of cars….

And he was the first wonderful thing I ever got stuck on.

 

I want to wake up every morning thinking

about the way he holds the steering wheel…

How he turns door knobs like he is opening

a safe.

 

How he blows out the candles

Blows out the candles.

 

I can’t breathe

I want him so bad….

 

I leave the door unlocked.

 

I leave the lights on.