Dear Ballerina

1 - Dear lord, I found my love. She is the ballerina. But it's she, not him. I know it was a sin. Maybe Devil trick me. All I know is she dancing Ballet beautifully. I love her. Maybe I was wrong because she is a girl.

2 - Dear Ballerina , I think I in love with you. I know it can't be. We are both girl. But I can't stop because I love you.

3 - Dear Ballerina, I worried about you. I know people dislike you because you are in major but you have short period of training. But I know they're wrong. You deserve it. I know you have talents. I believe in you.

4 - Dear Ballerina, I am happy. you and me are going to debut as in a same group. I know it's so much tired in debut period. Please stay strong, my Ballerina.

5 - Dear Ballerina, we are going to the church because you are Catholic and me too. But sad thing is you don't like Gay. You don't like LGBT. You're saying it is a sin. Yeah, I make a sin. Maybe I am a sin. But you are the beautiful sin I ever did. I never regret it. You are my beautiful sin.

6 - Dear Ballerina, Please get well soon. I want to cry when you get sick. But I can take care of you the whole night. I am watching you all night long, I don't want to sleep. You're so beautiful. You're so beautiful it's hurt.

7 - Dear Ballerina, Jihyo unnie ask me "do I love you?" I want to admit it but I know you. If I admit it, you will hate me. So, I deny it. I did a good job, isn't it? My Ballerina.

8 - Dear Ballerina, I know you're hurt. I know you're crying. This is me can't do anything for you. I know you received hateful comment from you and Bam Bam oppa scandal. I know you received even dead threads. But I can't do anything. I can't even protect you. Only I can do is watching you from a distance and silently crying. I didn't deserve you, my Ballerina. I'm sorry.

9 - Dear Ballerina, I am glad to see your smile again. Finally, rumors are settled down. But my happiness wasn't last long. When you admit the rumors is real, my heart is broken. I can't believe this is real. I can't believe you and Bam Bam oppa are dating. I deny the reality. Maybe I was wrong. I can happy for you because you smile a lot when you talk about him. If you can happy, everything okay with me.

10 - Dear Ballerina, I am sorry. Nayeon unnie, Jeongyeon unnie and Jihyo unnie already notice about that I love you. I try to deny. I really am. But they know me too well. They comfort me and said they help me to propose you. But don't worry, my Ballerina. I refuse it. Just seeing your face from distance is enough for me.

11 - Dear Ballerina, today I met the new father in church. I asked him about homosexuality. He said it's ok for him because God love us all. I don't know much but I like his opinion. I hope you don't hate homosexuality someday, especially me. I am afraid you will hate me if you found out my secret. But I can't stop loving you. I am a religious person but loving you is the best sin I ever did.

12 - Dear Ballerina, don't be mad at me. I know one day you will find my secret but I didn't expect it was today. You found my notebook and read it. I am so sorry Ballerina. I am sorry for loving you. Please don't say harsh things to me. My only sin is loving you. I am sorry. Please don't hate me.

13 - Dear Ballerina, I am leaving the dorm today. Because you asked me to leave. Actually you didn't asked me. You just ordered me. It's so hard for me with the knowing the you hate me. If you don't want to stay beside me anymore, I will fulfill your wish.

14 - Dear Ballerina, I heard from Jihyo unnie that you and Jeongyeon unnie was arguing about my leaving. Don't worry anymore. I told everyone it was my fault. Actually it's my fault. Because I know how much you hate homosexuality, but I love you. I know you feel like betrayal but I can't stop my heart.

15 - Dear Ballerina, I am sorry again. I came to the party because Jackson oppa invited me. But I should know you will be at the party because you and Bam Bam oppa are couple. It's hurt, my Ballerina. But why? Am I too disgusting for you? It's hurt me when you slap me in front of everyone. It's hurt me when you told my secret to everyone. It's hurt me when you shouting I am a lesbian. It's hurt my heart when you make me feel a sinner.

16 - Dear Ballerina, my news are spreading everywhere. Someone in the party recorded a video and post it on internet. So many hateful comments are on my page in SNS. When I called my parents, they simply said that they didn't have a daughter who called Son Chaeyoung. They said I am a shame to our family.

17 - Dear Ballerina, company called me to discuss about the rumors. When I get out of the van, so many people wait for me and throw at me with eggs, vegetables and even dildo. I know our society didn't accept LGBT but I never expected like this. Now the company said they will terminate my contract. Now, I lost everything. But it's felt worth it. I never regret it. Because I love you.

18 - Dear Ballerina, so many friends come to comfort me. Jackson oppa, Irene unnie, Seulgi unnie, Yeri . My former members except you text me sorry. They told me they are forbid by the company to see me. It's hurt, Ballerina. But it's hurt me more is the fact of you hating me. My only sin is loving you.

19 - Dear Ballerina, today is your wedding. Finally you will marry with Bam Bam oppa. I am happy for you because I know you love him. I came to your wedding secretly. I want to see you one last time. You are so beautiful with white wedding dress . You are so beautiful it's hurt. Anyway I want to thank you because even though you hate me, I have a chance to know I love you. So, goodbye, Ballerina, I love you.

This is the end, my Ballerina.

......

Dear all, I am sorry I let you down. But I never regret it. Yes, it's true. I am a lesbian. It's nothing wrong. It's not a disease. It's not curse. It's just a love. Please I hope you will forgive me someday. I hope you will accept my existence someday. My only sin is loving her. I love you. I never regret it. If loving you was a sin, I will happily go to hell. But loving you was best sin I ever did.

Finally I post these words to my SNS page. Someday, I hope people will understand me. Someday I hope you will understand me. But for now, goodbye, my dear Ballerina.

I cut my both wrist with a blade and lying down in bath tub with full of water. I feel colder and colder. my vision becomes blurry.
Finally, I am free.
I love you,
my dear Ballerina.