I slap the book to the floor, and try not to flinch at it slaps loudly on the cherry hardwood. Slowly rolling over on my bed, all the time humming the latest song on the radio I already forgot the lyrics to, my eyes drift to a picture on my nightstand. It projects me, with my hands laid out on the bark of a tall, bright green tree, laughing, pure joy on my face. Delight. High up in the tree is a teenage boy, Sam, my best friend, swinging from branch to branch, staring down at me with adoration on his face.
Not love, but friendship. My heart feels a sharp pang, and I push the picture down on the table, giving a shaky breath. Closing my eyes, I shoot back in time. My world feels fuzzy, lost, like I am just watching it go by, without taking part in a thing.Eventually, I can see, even though I feel my eyelids shut like a vice.
“I love you.” Sam’s voice cuts through my thoughts like a knife. He’d said that only a few months ago. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’d been close to yanking my hair out. Before I could reply - at the time, my brain was flitting desperately between kissing him, and saying it back -, he added the words he always did, that killed me. “The only best friend in the world I could have. I’m lucky. Now, come along.” He’d taken my hand, and we’d cooked lunch together.
Yeah, so I’d known all along he would add that it wasn’t romantic. But my mind was clinging to the hope Sam would break from the shell his old friend, Ally, had put on him effortlessly. Ally ruined my life with two words. I was there... saw Sam’s crestfallen face.
My fingers clamp around the already freezing cold book, and I am snapped to the present. No use thinking, dreaming, of Sam and Ally. For several minutes, I lay there. Trying to snap my mind from what it’s going towards. It takes some practice, but finally, my droning mind, definitely failing, tells me I have to go. I wordlessly, silently, check my watch. I seem to be right.
Shutting my eyes again, I decide that just going on with my life is the only option. Some day Sam will see me. And I can’t wait. My eyes open at the sound of my door opening, and my mind makes a small blue butterfly. It flutters out of me while my mind is a panicked whirl, and I get up to watch the delicate insect join with Sam. The rest of me is Sam.
“Hey Lana.” His husky voice gives me goosebumps.. With the usual flip of his blonde hair, and nervous tugging of his pockets, he opens up the door again to leave. “You coming?” His voice takes a soft edge of concern as I don’t move a muscle. Closing the door,Sam’s sparkling blue eyes study me, and I crack slowly under the melting warmth of their gaze.
With a weak, distracted smile, I answer him. “Yeah. I’m fine Sam.” It’s just a few words, but Sam takes it. I can see that he didn’t believe a word of what I saw. But Sam is smart, and he’ always known prying puts me in a mood you don’t want to know I have.
He looks at the ground, and fiddles with his bracelet nervously. “Well. Get in the car?” He says it gently, like I’m sick or something. It makes me mad,and Sam can see it so plainly I’m humiliated. “Hey... Lana, this isn’t like me, but what’s wrong my dear?” I like it he calls me that... even if it doesn’t mean what it sounds. Before I can reply, he adds something. “And Lana, don’t insult my intelligence by saying you are fine. How many lies are told a day,and how many are “I’m fine.”?” He laughs, a sweet, bright sound.
I laugh along too, and his frown begins to vanish at my happiness. He lives off it. “Hey! I taught you that! Not nice... I’m... not fine. But... Sam this is the one time you can’t know.” His eyes turn to stone, almost grey, devoid of emotion, love, happiness. Question. “Don’t give me that look Sammy!”
He turns his head, and drives without even looking at me. I’ve betrayed him, and he won’t get over it. But if he knew... he probably thinks its about my love life,which he gets awkward with so much, all the time. I fiddle my thumbs. Oh Sam...
