Songs of Milan

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  teach me to accept and forgive the apology, in which i will never receive

  i forgive you for not knowing i was worth more than just being your late night, i am sorry i mistook a little boy that was never taught his potential nor representation of emotion for a man who embodied home, i am sorry that i can never duplicate the feeling you implanted into me and allow you to bleed grief, i forgive you for using me, you didn't mean it.

  i forgive you, to this day you don't know where you went wrong.. and i never stopped to correct you. you blurred the lines of a boy and a man as your hunger pried at my safety.. you figured this would earn you something.. you drowned out my sobs with kisses.. so willing to invade a home to release the beast that held you captive, you wanted to seize control inside my home.. you wanted to be invited to the worst human drug known.. he pulled you into the field of desire and shove the taste of fire into your veins.. and no it didn't taste like whiskey, but this is what you wanted isn't it? you wanted a man but possessed a trigger that caused him to bleed from his hands if he couldn't touch you, he taught you vengeance, say thank you.. i forgive you for fucking up any peace i managed to maintain because you needed for me to complete you, i forgive you because i now have someone who wants to drown into more than just my frame.. but to create intimacy within my soul but i won't let them because of you, i forgive you for removing my sense of safety and security built within my mind and placing sweet despair in places peace could never reach.. take me back to the sweet beginnings of you.. i want the space between what you thought and what i said which gave you the impression that this was the only way.. how long did you hold me down and force me to stay when i was ready to go? when my screams trapped beneath your kiss wanted to be free but the beast within your eyes and the intensity of your grip kept telling them no.. i am sorry that i wasn't what you were to me.. i try to recollect the prince i cherished before you unleashed the beast, but you're one and the same.. i forgive you for not listening to your mother when she forbid you to play with such fragile toys, i forgive you for smiling into my eyes as i broke apart into my own demise.. i am sorry for trusting the potential in the man i thought you were.. i forgive you for cutting the lifeline to deny the expression of which my wounds suffer. i forgive you for all of these things you will never know, i forgive you for causing me to consistently kill the parts of me you've scared to stay safe, but i am not sorry for leaving you open to the fire, did you feel at home?

  i forgive you for not understanding "no", for forcing your weight onto me, for shoving your manhood into my haven, you needed me to say yes, you needed so desperately for my body to open it's chambers for you, for me to allow you to rest in a bed that was not made for you, you needed to feel wanted, i am sorry for making you feel less than the man that your body ached to be, you needed to escape from your own captivity and seek sanctuary inside me, to turn this vacancy into your new home, i forgive you for the emptiness you left inside of me, i forgive you for each fault you will never accept.. i am sorry for "playing with you" but this game you love was never fun, i forgive you for being the trigger man that shot mercilessly at my soul til we agreed to be hollow for you, i am sorry that you've yet to become a man, for not being able to kill that part of you that slurs perception and subsides consent in exchange for the drunken girls discretions to ease your erection, i am sorry that you'd forgotten drunken thoughts leave sober memories, i am sorry that the sober her couldn't understand, she wanted it, the consent was in her eyes, the way she looked through you into her next shot glass, she wanted it.. the way she swayed her body, you couldn't help but to want to reach out and run your fingers through the forbidden river she displayed as a tease, who were you to not give peace to your own body's commandments, she wanted it, never tell yourself differently.. i forgive you for touching me in places I've spent long hours in the shower clawing away, i forgive you for grabbing at me like your first meal to withstand the loneliness your body held, i forgive you for making me wish to crawl out of my skin and escape the touch you left on my now indented flesh, i forgive you for proceeding to attempt entering places you were not welcome, i am sorry for trusting you to respect my drunken bones, i am sorry for assuming you were a man, much less a boy who would pry at my corpse and force my bones into complete surrender, i forgive you for being so cynical in my times of weakness, i forgive you for making me feel worthless yet as full as your hands could feel amid my timid torso, i am sorry she can't sleep in peace without fearing the weight of you from within her dreams, i forgive you for obstructing peace and resurrecting fire in her soul.

  teach me to accept and forgive the apology, in which i will never receive.