Behind The Mask

Chapter 35

*Warning! More sensitive issues in this chapter.*

Anouk’s POV

It is the end…the end…the end for everything. It is the end of normality, of love and peace. It is my end.

I can never face Michael again. Not after I saw the look in his eyes. Not after I heard the disbelief, the accusation. Whatever I say from now on, it won’t matter. That look…the voice…they won’t go away from my memory. He will never look at me with the same eyes. The carefree love we shared will turn into oppressive care and worry. Michael will turn into a male version of my mother…if he wants me at all…

I run and don’t know where. I run until I reach the entertainment area. It’s the same place where Michael took me to have fun. But now it’s lacklustre and the magic is gone. I wipe some tears. I never stood a chance. Never in this life. I am an abomination – the child who should never exist, fathered by a man who had no right to be my father.

It boils down to this – God did not approve my birth…so He made me sick…hoping I’d die along the way. Well, dear God, here I come to You today!

I stuffed my pockets with enough candy to get myself into a coma. I remember the time when I nearly succeeded…it was after Pete died. And I had less candy that time. I slipped into a comfortable sleep…and then I woke up at the hospital. This time, no one will find me. This ranch is huge. It’s like the Veldt…a huge expanse of land and I could go anywhere.

I walk and run and walk again. I see this tree and its contorted branches, shaped by the wind, look like my life…tortured, unnatural and weird. But it lives. It lives and it looks healthy. I am dead inside. I am a ticking time bomb. All the years…the diet…the insulin shots…be careful about sun exposure, be careful about making efforts…WHY??? Why, God??? I did not ask to be born!!!! I never asked You to make me!!! You blew it, God, just face it! You blew it and made a screwed up person. A burden to my mother…A burden all these years. I won’t be a burden to Michael…I won’t!

I sit under the tree and pour all the candy bars in my lap. Okay…this is a sweet way of going into the nether world…just eat the candy and then go to sleep. It will feel dizzy for a little….my pancreas will hurt, fighting to get some insulin produced….not for long…then I’ll feel drowsy and fall asleep…Sleep…just like that.

I close my eyes and put the first candy in my mouth. There you go…just chew it. Chew and swallow…It’s really easy…

I look at the sky. It looks so pretty, seen through the leaves of the tree. I try to keep my eyes open, but the drowsiness is taking over…25 candies…wow, did I really eat 25 candies? If I wasn’t dying, I’d be getting as fat as a pig! I let out a hysterical giggle and I try to focus back on the sleep…Yes…sleep…sweet, relaxing sleep…

“Nooki! Nooki! My God, Nooki, don’t! Sit up! Sit up and get it out!”

What….who is disturbing my sleep? Mmm, let me sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep is...

“Nooki, sit up! Sit up and wake up! Please…please, Nooki!”

Someone is yanking me up…one hand at the back of my hair…

“Michael?”

“Nooki, you need to get this all out! Your mother told me…I’m sorry…Please forgive me for what I’m about to do.”

Two fingers push through my lips and into my mouth…deeper down my throat. No! No…I want the candies there….I need the candies! I feel like gagging…No…no, candies, stay in there!

But those fingers keep probing and probing…until the inevitable happens. Mom taught Michael well… damn me and my bad luck! I keep throwing up, stingy tears fall from my eyes and I feel stupid. Stupid and worthless.