Losing a Parent

Tradgedy, Emotions, Heartbreak

I was sitting in my 4th grade class, a little over 7 years ago, deeply intrigued in the story we were currently reading. All of a sudden I heard the phone ringing, completely unaware of what was about to happen next. My teacher calls me out into the hallway and says we had to take a walk. We walk into the office where my grandma, the principal, and the school counselor are sitting. They had a saddened look inside their eyes. I was curious and completely scared of the words that were about to come out of their mouths. They say, "Alex your dad passed away last night." I just want to run out and bawl my eyes out. To appear as strong, I just kind of stared at them not knowing how to handle the emotions I felt inside. They asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I quickly shook my head no, denying their offer. My grandma walked me back to her house where I currently was living. She hugged me the whole time we walked back. Not wanting sympathy, I tried brushing her off. We got back and my uncle was there. He had taken me outside and threw the football back and forth with me. I now figure, it was a way of distracting my mind from what had just happened. I came back inside and thought about how my younger twin brother and sisters would take this news when my grandma drove to where they lived later and told them. The rest of the day I kind of laid in bed not wanting sympathy from anyone. My little 9 year old self, just couldn't believe he was gone. I felt some forms of guilt because we haven't seen him in awhile either and kind of were avoiding the situations dealing with him. A couple days later, it came time for the funeral, the day we all had to say goodbye to the best man you'd ever meet. I dressed in all black and met up with my mom, the twins, and my younger sister that had a different dad who also showed up. I was new to this and even worse, the first funeral I attended was my own dads. They all ran to me and wrapped me inside their arms, telling me how sorry they were, and asking me if I was okay. What kind of question is that when a relative dies? Anyways, I walked up to the casket where he laid lifeless, hand in hand with my mom. What I saw, can never be unseen. I was shaking and walked to meet with other relatives who were crying and happened to always greet me with open arms. Later on in the day, my teachers and principal had shown up to show their support towards me and my other family members. They looked at the picture boards with me and told me that I looked a lot like him. Remembering the good times of his life, were a good way of soothing the pain. I was given a bag of handmade cards made by my classmates. Those honestly did cheer me up when I got home and read through them all. We all took our seats as the actual service was about to begin. I took a seat beside my step mom and the twins. Halfway through, I looked over at my mom, and she was bawling her eyes out. I ended up letting all the emotions I had built up inside out and cried along with my little brother.

During the next couple of years, a day didn't go by where I didn't think about him. I missed him more and more with every second he was gone and there wasn't anything anyone could really do to bring him back.

In my middle school years, I got a better understanding of the whole situation and felt more and more guilt and pain from it. On September 10th every year, I'd be upset and emotional because I knew that was the day he had died. Every time I would hear someone complain about their dad, I'd shake my head and just want to cry and tell them not to say that. They never know when he could be gone. Same goes with now though.

Now as I'm in 11th grade, I remember more and more about him. I remember not only all the good times, but everything, including the roughest days. On his birthday, and even on Father's Day, I get sad knowing he isn't here with me. When it comes to guys I feel even worse just knowing he isn't here to be the protective father I long for and need in my life. I've faced the hard fact that he won't be there for walking me down the aisle at my future wedding. These are hard conclusions to come by, but it's the truth and you have to face it at some point. I miss him so much, but I just know his memory will always live in my heart and I just know he's looking down on me everyday feeling as proud of me as he can be about the person I've become.