User: Blocked. (Pearl x Reader)

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Every inch of me is charred.
God, what happened to my heart?
I'm about to fall apart,
Again,
Again?

And you're never coming back
And I'm not okay with that.
And I should have never let myself get attached,
Again,
Again?

And I just continued to listen, in my borrowed headphones. Glancing down at my mp3, I just sighed.
I was sitting by the cliff, thinking and hating. Myself, obviously. I hated this song too. I hated that it was exactly how I felt. I hated it and I didn't know why.
It's like those options on Instagram and such: I'm in this picture and I don't like it.

You know, when something so horrible, and it's a great representation of you, and you know it. It's truly a terrible feeling.
I don't know why I agreed, to live with them. With Steven,mostly.
Nobody but him wants me around. Well, maybe Amethyst. She doesn't know either. Not that I do.

Pearl hates me, and I don't know why.

All I know, is that we were lovers at one point. All I know now, is that I still love her.
And from what little I remember, I know that she loved me too. So-

I must have done something terrible, if she hates me enough to consider me irrelevant.
I tried to apologize.
To explain.
To ask: "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, for a lot of things. I just want to start from the beginning. And to get to know you again."
To say: "I still love you."

But she doesn't want to hear it.
She ignores me. Looks right through me. I don't exist, to her.
And she did for many days. One day, when I was leaving the house when no one else was around at the moment, I tried to notify her.
It ended up with
"You know what, Fine. Whatever."
Then me slamming the door.
The last thing I saw of her that day, was a shocked expression. Looking right at me.
I was somewhat relieved.

But I hated myself for it.
I shouldn't have been happy at all, for acting that way. No matter what reaction I got.
So I guess, I know why she hates me. For the same reason that I do.
Because I'm terrible. I'm abusive, I'm an asshole. And most times I don't care. But I always end up caring later. And hating myself.
Steven always went on about how he believes in me. And all that. But it's no use.
Don't expect a human to fly, don't expect a fish to climb. Somethings just don't happen, because they are out of your reach.
I can't be good.

And that's terrible.

So that's where this led me. Hitchhiking on the back of some van, Away from everyone.
I imagine they'd be worried.
Which I felt worse for. But it's better. For me, for them. I don't think I'd physically hurt them, but I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't deserve shit.
Steven tried to convince Pearl to talk to me many times. But I don't think he understands that she doesn't owe me anything. I somehow fucked up, I pay the price. She doesn't need to forgive me or talk to me. I did wrong by her, so she chooses how I suffer.

No,that sounds bad.
It casts her in a wrong light. She doesn't mean me to suffer. She means to prioritize herself over me, which is fair.
It's my fault that I suffer.
So I left. I don't know what exact reasons I had, but one thing simply led to another.
I need alone time. For a looooong time. Try to get better.

Nah, that doesn't happen. It won't happen. I already tried,
For her.