My name is Tim, I am a female to male transgender, i am a sophomore in high school. I have been out of the closet for two years. I,m going to talk about my online little brother, and my toxic relationship. It was the summer of my eighth grade year, someone with as much anxiety as i did, i was horrified, anxious and emotionally degraded. That's when it started. My best friend was having problems with a guy...her neighbor, she asked me if i could help her out since she had his instagram. Me, being naive and dumb. I said yes, no questions asked...and that's when it started to fall apart. I spoke to the man in the group chat between my friend, and a few other people, I didn't really know them but I was just there to help. I received a direct message from this man. This stranger. I still remember it, its something i will not forget. "Look, i knowwwww you care so much about ceil. She is my neighbor, i want something from you, and your gonna give it to me. Or I'm going to walk over to her house right now and show you how much damage i can really do" I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn't know what to do at this point. He told me what he wanted. He wanted what every guy like this wanted. Nudes. I have never taken a sexual picture of myself, ever. I told him no...that was a mistake. I received a picture, it was my friend, laying on their back, holding their nose. I didn't know what to do anymore. So I complied. I was crying, shaking but I wasn't about to be the one that caused my friend to get hurt. I couldn't live with guilt like that. He noticed that, and exploited it with every ounce that he had. Slowly but surely through this manipulation he controlled every moment of my life. When I could leave, how long I could be gone. What I did. Who I hung out with. If I didn't, there was total hell to pay. I remember staying up late at at night crying. Wanting it to end, wanting it to stop. All my friend could tell me was to block him, but I couldn't. Even the mention of the word "Block" he would lose his shit. Saying how if I blocked him he would kill her,. I had no control and I was in such a place entally. I didn't care. I actually grew to become familiar with it. Enjoying the fact that I had some structure. It was a chaotic, evil manipulating structure, but it was a structure. Then, Jack showed up into my perspective, and I Immediately grew attached. He was the best person I have ever met. He always seemed to have this energy, it was in the way he worded thing, the emojis he used and the times he talked to me. It wasn't too long before I completely fell in love with him. But, it wasn't romantic. I remember telling him bedtime stories, I remember helping through panic attacks. I remember helping him through the confusion about his sexuality and i remember helping him when I found out he was anorexic. The sleepless night staying up just to talk to him, just to tell him how much he meant to me. This helped me so much, to finally have someone that I can care about, and that cares about me. Unconditionally. Through this, I talked to Michael more. I got him to slow down. I even got him to stop for a week or so at a time and when he was mad, he never did anything physical. Everything was going amazing, besides the fact that my friend told me they liked me. I didn't like them, and I told them this, and I thought it was over...that's when michael asked me out, and I don't know what possessed me to say yes. But I did, and we were in a relationship. That's when things got worse. Not with michael, but with my friend. He would get jack to lie to me, and make up stories. I could tell when Jack was lying most of the time, so it didn't have too much of an affect on anything. But, then I got a message that i knew wasn't right. It came from my friend "me and Jack are dating" I was pissed but congratulated them. Then i went to talk to Jack, come to find out he was being forced in the relationship. Just to try to make me jealous and try again to get me to break up with Michel, who was falling back into old patterns. I didn't know what to do. That made me feel even worse. I hated everyone, everyone besides Jack. Who was now in a toxic relationship, with one of his abusers. I didn't know it til after he left. And honestly, i don't know what I would have done if I found out sooner. But the ling nights continued with me and Jack, bedtime stories and talking about the icky feelings he had, he was 13 but acted like a child, and I wanted to do nothing but protect him. I couldn't understand why someone would want to hurt someone who was actually perfect. That's when Jack started to get worse...and worse, I was there for him as often as possible but we were on opposite schedules. When he went to bed, I was just getting home, when he was waking up, I was going to bed. Then, I remember getting that message. December 2nd. I was asleep, it was 3 am, i passed out early...and i would do anything to go back to that day, just to fix the problem, but i couldn't. I wasn't able to be there for him and...he killed himself. I felt shattered, every single piece of my happiness broke into pieces...i yelled at everyone. Michael, my friend. But nothing changed. He was gone and i couldn't do anything to help him...Michael and I broke up. All he did was get drunk and threaten to kill me. He got mad and started threatening to hurt ceil. But ceil moved. I blocked him...only temporarily. It was so hard for me to let him go. Because he was all i had of jack. I didn't have anything, or anyone. So when I unblocked him....we got back together, ad he started to use me again, and control me. By this point i was done. Thankfully, Michaels phone broke after we broke up. He was in the hospital, diagnosed with cancer so I have no idea if he is alive right now, and I'm going to be honest, I don't know how much I care. And now, things have gotten better, though I still often think about jack and what I could have done. I have my new friends, the others in the group chat at the beginning. Now i also have my boyfriend, I know he loves me. He knows about what happened, and he does everything he can to help. I wont say that I've completely recovered from all the pain I went through those years. But I can happily say that I'm out and im safe now. I'm surrounded by people who love me and who care, and even though I don't believe it sometimes, they love me and care about me. Though some more than others, I now know the pain of someone you love leaving, and I know I would hurt many people by leaving. Through this trial I've made new friends,lost some. And i can now figure out who I am, without anyone else trying to hold me back. My name is Tim, I am 16 years old and I can get past anything that anyone throws at me.
