To The Man I Almost Surrendered Myself To

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To the man I almost surrendered myself to,

Hey. How you doing? Good? I hope you are happy now, coz I am. Yes. I think I am. I can sleep better now. I barely think of you either. But, I do hope you still wonder about me, like how I wonder about you right now.

Meeting you, was the best day of my life. Seeing you strangling the urge to speak because I got your eyes into mine, those look of yours, how fascinated you were seeing me, standing in front of everyone, asking your name. Fvck. Still gives me tingling sensation. I loved it. I loved you right at that moment.

Getting to know you, sending me messages, writing me weird letters, those ugly handwriting of yours, giving me my favorite food, showing you got jealous over guys around me. Fvck. I loved it. I loved you more at that moment.

Being deep with you, on my birthday, the first time I kissed you on your cheek. I know I wanted more than that. I know I just don't want to hug you. I want more of you. I loved you even deeper right at that moment.

Sunday, you asked me what are we and I don't know what to answer. Then you asked me, if I can be your girlfriend. Without hesitation, I said yes. Coz I know I wanted that. I know I dreamt that. I know I loved you more than I love myself right in that moment.

Our first kiss, that night, inside a vehicle. You said it was your first time and so do I. I loved it. I know I want deeper but the journey is too short. We need to separate ways to home. Fvck, still gives me butterflies in the stomach.

Your birthday, our first month. I loved the foods that your mom cooked. I loved how I was welcomed in your house, with your friends, our friends. I loved you and your family even deeper.

First break up, I know how stressed you are at school. And so I said no, because I know you were just sad and depressed. I know your mom scowled you that day, and so your dad. I know I'll loved you even better because of that. You're strong and fragile at the same time babe.

December, your phone is confiscated. We barely talk babe. We barely. Sad hours of my life. I can't even chat you because I don't remember really. You deleted our conversation babe. You deleted it. And I didn't like it. Because memories of how our love grew was in there. But that's okay, because I thought you said we have years to fill in memories.

New year, new us. And I thought I could have a lot years with you. And so I gave you, not everything though, but the best of what a woman could give to her partner. We made love. I loved it. God knows I want more, but we're too young and especially you baby. I knew you were so happy. I love you.

You started talking to your ex, and I started being paranoid. I'm sorry. I just don't wanna lose you. I loved you. You called me obsessive. I am so sorry for being like that. Immature, obsessive, that's what you called me. I'm sorry babe, I'm really sorry. I tried my best. Not to get jealous, not to over think, but, I did was just be sorry for being me.

February, we got a fight, in your house, I walked away... But you didn't follow me. Damn. I could still feel how it hurt back then. Why babe? Why didn't you run after your girl? All I did was to run after you, but you wouldn't do the same. And the next thing I knew, was you, breaking up with me, over the phone.

I got to school the next day, with sore eyes. And everyone was laughing at my state. Damn, it hurts to be the center of attraction.

But then... You came back. You came back to me. And it's because of your ex. Yes. She talked to you about me. About how I love you so much. About how I tweet about us. And I thanked her for that. I thanked her genuinely. Thank you.

March, our sixth month. I got over thinking again. I got paranoid. I got jealous again. Over you, and your ex. You changed your Facebook password. You started hiding things from me. You said you wouldn't talk to her. But I caught you. I caught you. I hate it. Instead of saying sorry babe, you hide. You hide the best you can. You didn't talk to me. But I love you. I loved you so much. I still want you. Because I love you.

April, your mom read a post I made last February. She's so mad at me. She hated me. And you finished it. You finished me. You killed me. I thought at first, I was okay, I was mad at you, at your mom, and I wasn't hurt at all because I was already preparing for this. But I was wrong. I died. I died and died and died. Every morning I woke up. Every lunch I ate. Every night I sleep. I know I was dying. And I wanted to end it all. The pain, it was beyond my capability. I couldn't take it. I didn't know a single post can kill me this hard. I wanted this to stop, this pain, and just prayed not to wake up the next morning.

We met again. With our friends. You approached me. You kissed me. Babe. Why did you do that? Damn. You know I'm weak. I wouldn't say no to you. I thought we could be together again right at that moment. But you didn't talked to me again. I am over thinking again. I missed you. I love you. I just want to be with you again. If being with you means killing myself again, I never mind suicide.

It's been a month since we broke up. Can't we just try again? But you answered no. And I did what I had to do ever since. I accepted it. If your happiness no longer includes me, so be it.

I changed babe. The way I look. The way I dress. The way I post on social media. But my feelings didn't change. It's still you. I know, I am stupid for loving someone who is younger than me, but love knows no age, and love... What is love again? Right. God. God is love. God knew I forgot about him because all I thought of was you. So He removed you. So we could be together again, like before, when I loved Him the most.

LANY. I love you still, I always will. But this need to change. And... I'm done, I don't believe in love.

P.S.
I'm still waiting for you. Even if you wouldn't ask for me to wait. I know I will always be.
I hope you are happy right now. Like me. Thank you baby for giving me the best set of friends. I hadn't kept you, but they will be.
Please. If you see me again, don't say hello if you don't have any plans of coming back to me.
You are always welcome in my heart babe. Always. I love you.
I am free and happy right now in case you're wondering.