Why is everyone around me so happy, and I’m the one who’s always down, is this really how someone my age should be feeling, I get comments thrown at me like ‘you don’t belong’ ‘emo kids like you don’t belong’ ‘all you’re doing is tearing this family apart’ ‘just fuck off and die’ these may not sound that bad right now but at the time they were so hurtful quite franquely I couldn’t give a fuck anymore, at the time though I didn’t know where to turn, where I was, why I was here, and I didn’t think I belonged, this then led me to self-harm, this in fact wasn’t my first encounter with self-harm, I had done it multiple times before, making my cravings more powerful , making it harder to control myself, and the pain hurt more, so I had competition so I cut deeper and deeper, harder and harder, to a point where I couldn’t control it anymore, seeing the blood dripping down my arm, adrenaline filled my body, I couldn’t stop, that night I ended up in hospital, I worst part was I put myself in hospital on mother’s day, because I couldn’t handle anything anymore, I had reached a point, but things get worse, I was not up there with my family, no I was with my best mate and her boyfriend, my family were so angry at me for what I had done, I didn’t even bother to tell them what had happened, I knew what would happen, although my mother was heartbroken when she saw the dreadful cuts up my arm. Silence was the norm for the next 3 weeks, not a peep came from anyone. Tension filled the air everywhere I looked, I felt so unwanted. I got teased at school, the school even when as far as to tell me that I need to get the cuts on my arm removed, or I will be removed from school grounds. The school also asked to do a drug and alcohol test, both I refused to do, making them more suspicious so I was forced to go to drug, alcohol and suicide counselling, Once I found out who did it, I absolutely ticked and went insane, once I found out, my depression worsened, after I found out it was now ex-best friend. Just to make worse my best guy mate was also going through a hard time so I was stuck trying to juggle my life and also support his, Over almost 2 years I have been at high school I have been bullied, looked, up to, looked down upon, and honestly they have been the worst 2 years of my life, as I move up school levels, things just seem to get worse, children like me get offered drugs on the street, I don’t want to have to live like this, everything is available, drugs, alcohol, and suicide all the things I’m trying to stay away from but keep dragging me back in to their power, call me crazy but I have a number of people I could stab right now, right this second, people have shaken me, Brocken me, ruined my life, shattered my self-esteem, and my reputation ,all of these I can’t get back, you get to a point where you can’t take it anymore, all you want to do is sit in a dark corner and hide from the world.
