THE MUSINGS OF A WRITING MIND

| siete / appreciation |

Traditional etiquette states that if someone is to give us a gift, we must, in some way, thank them. When I was younger, thanking people seemed, well, thankless. But it's quite the opposite, I now find.

My mother used to tell me that everybody was fundamentally selfish. I knew, and still do know, that this is true. The difference from what she told me then and what I believe now is the next thing she'd always say.

"Nobody does anything without an ulterior motive. Everything a human does is only for themselves, even if it benefits someone else in the most obvious dimension."

My life used to be a riot, a haven for chaos and destruction, self-manipulation and a lack of preservation that would send anyone straight to their grave had it hit them instantly. However, I had been used to it. I'd grown with the slow burn romance of decomposition in my mind, with the haunted kisses of you're not good enough and the tempting touches of just give up. Cupped hands by evil lips whispered in my ears - I'd been raised by insanity and self-destruction. I was named as a baby by a mother who'd never love me, and my father had been my rock until he passed. I was extraordinary - but only in the fact that I was extremely ordinary. There was nothing at all special about me, I always thought when I was a child, and therefore moving away from home at eighteen and changing my name from John to Kal had really been my defining moment.

Though I never said so, changing my name was the most painful thing I'd ever done. John McKinzie became Kallan Devana, and it was all my mother needed to pretend she'd never known of my existence in the first place. The freedom of it came at a price, as all things did, and despite my knowing that I should have hated the woman who ruined my chance of childhood happiness, I knew it wasn't so simple. Her approval was something I craved - because I'd got it just a few times before and I needed it again.

The only time my mother had shown any sign of love towards me were the times in which we were publicly together. It was blasphemous for me to act anything other than perfect near her and as a small boy, I thought I knew why. In my mind, families were facades, each just conjoined people trying to hide that nothing was perfect within them, and I was taught from a young age that nobody cared if anything was other than that very thing. People were perfect because other people wanted them to be. Struggles were only to be known behind closed doors and they were to be constrained to the struggler's mind only.

Or so I was taught. Now I know something else.

I know things now that John McKinzie did not. And when I learnt of the world once I was free of my old homes bare walls, I learnt my childhood agony and unspoken rage was no longer required to be hidden. Therapy was an unknown concept, but I knew my mother's words were all made from the stitchings of lies and deceit and so it was suddenly my most appealing option. To speak about my feelings was a journey, one I often struggled with, but it brought me to myself and my mindset now stands clear and while haunted, not toxic.

And so, in a certain way, this is a thank you to her. To the woman who raised me. Though she did so much wrong, and so much damage, I never would've been able to grow into who I am today without her; and I never would have written this book, this book that I truly and wholeheartedly wish has helped you to find new reasons to see the Earth as a thing of beauty, and to be so very aware that not everybody is purely selfish, and nobody is unable to change, should they want to.

And it is also my way of saying three words that I never thought I would; I forgive you. But this time, it is what you said it would be like - I only do it completely and totally for me, and for my own healing. But sometimes, I've found, to be selfish is what we need to be.

7; being kind, thankful and forgiving are things of such importance in this world. To do them will bring you an amount of joy you'd never think could be possible, and that will bring you yet another step closer to finding happiness.