Struggles Of Living In A Society

The First Time

As the chapter's name is, the first time I got to know about the baby making process (I used to call sex with this name because I never knew it was called sex) I literally felt disgusted and I used to imagine how on this fucking planet can this be true (credits to my sister for ruining my childhood and for making me realize that how awful it is to have children).
I remember I was in the third grade when I first got to know about sex. I fucking freaked out like hell. But I always wanted to ask my mom about it but my great sister told me to never EVER talk about it with my mother. So I didn't.
Then till fourth grade I used to think about how in this world could one do it (actually two). Anyways at the start of my fourth grade I remember my sister telling me about this incognito tab. She very briefly told me about how to open it, how to exit it, and all about how it deleted the cookies or something like that. At first I used it to play makeup and dress up games (because my sister used to hate'em) but one crazy day I thought of searching about sex. I knew some really disturbing pictures and things will pop up but I still searched about it. Well that was the time when I got to know why my sister told me not to tell mom about me knowing about sex.
      At first I got startled and decided to never ever search about it but life's a bitch. I searched about it again. This time I went into pictures rather than going on wikipedia or any website. And well DAMN I started to search about it often and started to read about what happens during sex, how our body acts, what happens to our emotions and a lot of other things.
      But all this time I kept one thing in my mind that my mother should never ever get to know about this whole shit.
As I said before life's a bitch, my mother caught me one day while I was reading about what happens and what leads the western people to kiss. Because kissing and all that stuff is literally considered a sin if you do it before marriage here in Pakistan. So, I was basically caught red handed. Anyways after a series of apologies and my sister really convinced my mom that she(me) must've been playing a game and as ads keep popping up so it she might've accidentally clicked on it (one of the many reasons I treasure my sister though I hate her).
    After this I really stopped myself from doing anything stupid which will make them suspicious of me.
   At that time I had this Christian friend. When she joined the school she was very lonely so I thought being friends with her. I remember the time I told my mother about her she really looked like she would slap me but instead she said to me to stay away from that Christian friend. I ignored my mother on that part and continued my friendship with her.
  Well this was not ignored by my mother and the day I was caught, I was told to completely kick that Christian friend of mine from my life. But me being me, I told that friend about everything that happened and I even told her that my mom told me to break our friendship in which I had barely agreed.
    I must say this that friend was such a good person that when I told her rather than doing something aggressive she told me that we can stop our friendship if my mom wants it to happen. But because I knew that there was no fault of hers in this whole drama I told her that I still wanted to continue our friendship and we did it. And I also remember lying to my mom if something had a relation with that friend of mine.
     At this time I was really stopping myself from doing something which would've caused a scene or my mom going insane again.
   But in reality this was the time I got to know about how much toxicity was and is filled in our society. And this was the time I realized and was about to get to know the sad, disgusting, pathetic and ugly truth of our society.