Truth or Dare? // c.b (✔︎)

[28] bright eyes, dimmed soul.

ARIANA'S POV

w o r d s: 1373

p a g e s: 4

I could feel my heart shatter as I watch my best friends and my past lover admit that I was only a fucking game to him. To all of them. They used me as a prawn in a chess game. I was hyper ventilating as I was packing to leave California for good. I leave in a week but this is all too much. I never been so hurt in my entire life. I poured my soul to them when I had problems. Kat, Devyn and I shared inside jokes, makeup, clothes. I helped Colby when he was going through a breakup with Amanda. Was that all a lie? Did they want to gain their trust before they did this to me? I was going to have Colby's son. I gave everything to him, to them.

I deleted their numbers, unfollowed everyone from social medias. I zipped up my suit case and walked out of my hotel room. I checked out of my hotel and went to the airport. I tried to keep it together, I really wanted to but I couldn't. Tears streamed down my nude face. I loved the crew like my own family. I was alone again, for good. I never been hurt so much from the people I loved so much. Colby called me pulling me from my hurt. I hit ignore. Sam called me, I ignored it. Brennen called me, I ignored it. Kat, Devyn, Tara, Tori called me. I hit ignored from all of them. They texted, I deleted. I know they wanted to talk about everything. I didn't want to talk about anything. I knew everything I needed to. I was nothing to them all along I was so blind by their friendship I didn't see the colors. Colby didn't love me. Brennen didn't have feelings for me. All my feelings were real for them. They just tossed it aside. I sniffled thinking about the great times I had with Cole, the bad times. All of them were all fake. This type of betrayal I don't think I can come back from.

X

I was back home, laying on the floor listening to Taylor Swift. I don't think I have enough tears left to cry. I just got done recovering from my mom's death, I accepted it. But this is something I can never recover from. I spent what felt like minutes turned into hours. I turned my head to my window it was dark out. I hit pause on my music and ordered pizza. I realized that I didn't eat anything all day. No wonder why I was such in a bitchy mood. As I wait for the pizza, I unpack my clothes. All these clothes, all these memories that I can't have back. All of them were lies. The million-dollar question is was some of it real? I want to ask them, all of them if ANY of it was real. If not, I don't know if I can ever go back there. Not ever. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again.

There was a knock at my door and I almost shit myself. I walk out of my room and answer the door. It was the pizza man. "Hello, how are you?" I asked. "Pretty good, how are you?" he asked handing me the pizza. "Pretty good, thank you" I lied paying the man. "Have a good night" he says. "You too" I say waving. I closed the door and carried the pizza box into my room and watch shitty rom-coms and cry again. I debate rather or not to make a response video to Sam's. I should, most people are expecting it.

I don't remember falling asleep. I wake up with a pizza box next to me and my laptop closed and on the floor. I'm just glad I didn't wear any makeup and wore comfortable clothes. I was drained from yesterday. It doesn't feel real. My eyes were heavy as fuck and probably swollen from crying my heart out. I don't mind turning on my phone. I don't want to see the messages, tweets, videos about this situation. I know that I need to make a video. I just don't know how. I don't want to script it. I don't want to cry on the video because people would think I was crying for views.

X

I sniffle as I set up the camera. I sit on the bed and took a breath. "Hey guys, so um I know you all know about Colby and the others 'game' that they played with me for years, and years. I was blinded by everything. I thought they actually loved me. I thought Colby actually loved me I mean for crying out loud I was going to have his child and marry him. One question I have for them is why? Why would you ruin someone so badly? I can never take all the memories back." I wiped my tears. "If you felt a loss of somebody, amplify it to like billion. I feel like I lost a half of me. I don't hate them; I hate myself for not realizing it. To Colby, you were the love of my life and always will be. To my girls Devyn, Katrina, Tori, Tara I still care about you, all of you if any of it was absolutely real. Tell me, please. To Brennen and the other boys, I care about you so much still, I know I shouldn't but I do I can't help it. When you give someone a piece of you, you can never really get that piece back not really. You may be wondering how I'm feeling through all of this. To be honest, I'm broken, no scratch that I'm shattered. I don't think I can come back from this betrayal. Who would?" I say I'm full blown crying now.

I blow my nose and continue. "I may delete my socials because well I need time to let all of this sink in and take care of myself and pick up the pieces I've lost. Like I said, I don't hate them, they are still my family" I say my heart squeezing in my chest. "I don't care if a single person or even a goddamn alien watch this video, I did this for my sake. I don't care if I get so much negativity on this video. I just want you guys to know how I'm feeling because I know some people like me. And shit some people hate me. The one thing I want you guys to take from this video is don't trust to much, don't love to much but don't hate the people who bruised you so badly, the world is to small to hate someone" I say. "I love you guys; I love the Trap House crew too I'll see you guys whenever" I wave goodbye and stopped recording.

I edit and post the video. I'm so scared about what people say about it. About me crying. About me being so vulnerable. About me pouring my soul into the video. Part of me is happy that I made the video. I felt lifted somehow, not fully but semi lifted. I go in the kitchen to make tea just like when mom knew I was sad about something. God, I wish she was here. I need her guidance. I just need her. In this house, it's just bad memories no good ones. I hate it, I hate everything. The kettle whistles bringing me out of my depressive state. I pour the tea in one of my mom's favorite mugs ever and take the first sip. All the memories of my mom came pouring in all at once. I fell to the floor but managed to place the mug on the counter. "I miss you" I scream pounding on the hardwood.

I pounded until my fists bled. How much can a one person take? How much misery can a person hold onto before the shatter into billions of pieces? How much betrayal can a person take before exploding? I guess I have to see in the future.