My Story

Just a Chat

Hello. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing.

Usually I have a plan for what I write. But right now all I'm going to do is talk.
I apologize in advance if this doesn't make sense.

So... depression. That hit me in sixth grade. It was the usual stress over grades and the reminders of doing better. What didn't help me was discovering that I was bisexual.

I couldn't express my sexuality to anyone at because I went to a private Christian school and that topic is not brought up at all. Sixth grade was when I also started to self-harm too.

That wasn't the best ending of a school year. Onto seventh grade!

I'm still coming to terms with being bi at this point. The year was reall good, execpt for the fact that I was failing pre-algebra. I remember a huge fight with my mom over grades and that left me feeling worthless and debating if my life was worth it.

So there I am sitting in my room on the floor trying to commit suicide. I honestly don't know why I automatically go to the option of suicide. I still want to be here. I have people that would miss me and I would probably regret the choice when I died.

After that seventh year, my tendencies to resort to suicide decreased, but my self-harming didn't.(I still harm, but I amtrying to stop.)

Eight grade is actual hell. I go in the year with a girlfriend and confidence that I can survive the year without any issues.

Nope. I am very wrong.

In between sixth and early eight, I came out to a few of my friends, confident that I could confide in them. Whelp, apparently my girlfriend and I got outed and the principal found out.

We were both kicked out.

I can't say anything about the whole scandal except for my experience. Also, my mom was in the Dominican Republic for a business trip which meant my dad had to deal with the situation until she got back.

I didn't care that I got expelled. I was more concerned about my friend. I just got her in trouble. I was angry with myself thatI couldn't keep my mouth shut for a few months.

To this day, my girlfriend doesn't blame me, but I'm still sure it's my fault.

The depression kicked in so hard to the point I found it hard to leave my room. It got worse when I had to go to another school. Everday I came home emotionally tired. Yeah, I found more friends, but I missed the one person that made me feel safe. It never occurred to me how much I relied on her. We still saw each other but once that moment of interacting with each other was taken, the rest of my week pretty much sucked.

Now that school is over, I can rest easy.

I have a few friends that come to me for advice about family relationships, anxiety, depression,etc. I find it kind funny, to be honest. They come to me, a person who can barely be strong for herself. A person who is constantly worrying about everything. A person who hates herself.

I've been told that I listen well. That's probably why people ask me.

On a positive note,it's been about three weeks since I last cut. That's progress!! I've been doing well with suicidal thoughts and I have been more honest with myself that I need help. I'm still unstable mentally, but I'm trying. I haven't ruined any relationships with past friends or my girlfriend yet, so that's always good. My family has recovered from my mistake.

How have I been doing?

I think I'm doing the best that I can be.