What about me?

Life for the sake of Life

So I started writing this... 

Don't ask me why I felt like I needed to spout out these thoughts of my so-called self. I have thoughts that come and go just like anyone else. I don't exactly know what this will entitle in the course of genre or writing. It is whatever I feel like writing for the sake of the current moment of my presence. 

I am into a section of the type of spirituality if you want to call it that called nonduality. It is said to be in terms called "not two" or more simpler that everything we see, do, think is oneness. To say I believe it is contradictive to its message. The message is to not take life seriously because what we are essentially is undefined by the mind or body due to a type of awareness that is ever-present. 

It is interesting because it is basically saying we are the essence of happiness and that everything we are or do is in this space of awareness. I do not want to think about it too much because I can't stop searching it elsewhere. Even viewing this is translated through the rods and cones in our eyes. What we see is different from each other's yet it is not conclusive since I can never leave myself and see if anyone else's consciousness exists.

The mind is limited and so is the body, but whatever it is that makes up these sounds, visions, thoughts is something that never leaves. It appears to be silent and open to all of these experiences. 

For a while, I didn't think the writing was for me anymore. I used to write my fantasies that came from the mind of a pre-teen growing up into her young adulthood. These fantasies were always of what could be, or the ideal boy that I wanted. I say boy because that was what my pre-teen self was fixated on constantly. Even now it is still a problem with me. But now, I am more aware of this awareness and that I don't need to search anymore. 

The problem I face now is to finally stop fighting this urge to escape my deepest fears of silence and boredom/lust. Other forms always include objects, but I see now, It's all about acceptance