Since you left

To New Beginnings

June 5th, 2019

    Oh how much can happen when you allow yourself to breathe fresh air and walk new waters. The new things I've experienced as well as all the new memories I've created for myself. The happiness I've been feeling and even the few downfalls; It's everything I had struggled to believe in.

The love I thought I wasn't allowed. The joy I'm experiencing. Each and every little aspect I had once believe to be too far for my fingertips, are now sitting peacefully in the palm of my hand. A hand I had once closed, thinking that's the proper way to grasp all of these things; When in fact, the proper way is to keep it open and simply watch. To nurture it. When it needs water, give it water. When it needs air, give it some air. Sun, let it bathe.

These are the little things I had to learn as time went by. These are the lessons I was being taught during my self loving. To open myself, to no longer be afraid or to expect things to happen because I want them to. No. These are the things where you learn to simply slide into your comfortable clothing, find a nice place to sit and make yourself a hot drink to sip on. To simply watch. To be happy with what's in front of you.

The trees are swaying while the leaves are changing colors as the seasons come and go. You can feel the air becoming crisp during the cold or thick during the heat. Watch as young children run around, laughing, smiling, enjoying every bit of each day. Good or bad, kids tend to stay optimistic. You can learn a lot from them when you simply sit and watch, just as they can learn from us. You can see the grass getting greener and taller, despite everyone mistreating it. Awh in fascination as flowers regrow into a completely new color or even blossom into a different pattern.

The little things. It's what you miss when you stand and walk around trying your damnedest to make things happen. To put the pieces together yourself and try to finish a story much too soon or even rewrite it because you just don't like it. I think, that cliche saying has to come with a minor warning label. "You are in control of your life, if you want something to change, then change it yourself." I don't disagree with this statement, I simply think that many begin to believe that they must always stay in control of what happens to them. They get... comfortable.

Instead, I feel as though one should be told, "Know that, you may be in control of your own life but it doesn't stop fate from happening. Things that are meant to happen, will. And things that don't, aren't." There are many times you catch a person going through tough times saying, "This wasn't supposed to happen," It's why I believe the previous statement should come with a small warning label. You may create plans for yourself, even follow through with them, but even so, you'll find yourself far from achieving the goal you once believe in. It's the way life works.

Just as I believed I'd go straight to college when I was younger. I'd have my house, be married and begin my family. Only, things growing began to shape me into someone far from that little girl. I'm not saying I couldn't achieve the same goals she had set for herself but simply, it wasn't what I truly wanted. It'd been a figment of what everyone else had wanted for me. If not, it was what I believed to be for me as I watched those around me.

Instead, I had taken a break from school entirely to regain something I had lost in myself a long time ago. Self love and mental health. This is where I took control of my own life. I had decided to find myself and learn to love the person I had become. To be okay with everything that has happened to me and be completely fine with whatever choice I'd like to follow. It's that simple.

Where I had to learn things were meant to happen, had been the breakup I'd experienced during my senior year. It was a toxic relationship on both of our parts, though, I had more of the toxicity than him. Letting it go had been an extremely hard thing for me to do but I also had to understand, neither of us deserved to be in such a situation. For four years, we tried our hardest to try and make things work only for it all to seem forced. Although, I'm glad I had came to terms with it.

Today, I sit on my soon to be husbands bed, typing on his laptop this little 'update' while feeling our 5 month baby kick within my stomach. Although it's not as peachy as every book or movie has ever made it, it's definitely a fairytale in my eyes. To find someone who loves you for every inch of yourself is nothing but a blessing it self.

Even with our rough patches, he manages to find the brighter side of things. Each time he does, he isn't far from grabbing my hand and dragging me right behind him, showing me all of its beauty. He makes me believe that, no matter how rough something may be, there will always be something strong enough to smooth it out.

In this case, I'd like to believe it's the love we're beginning to share.

Our new beginning.