18 Years of Depression

Snow

I think that there's something really calming about watching snow fall, watching the delicate, and unique snowflakes fall from the sky and gracefully float down towards the earth where they'll lay forming a beautiful and clean white layer that covers all the dirt. I think I can watch a snowfall forever and not get tired because of how much it calms my heart and silences the noises in my head. there's this group chat I have with a bunch of people in my programs from school and one of the guys in it is a real playboy and he sent a picture of this beautiful, skinny, blond in a bikini talking about how pretty she is and how much he wants her. Now I don't like this boy, frankly, I don't give a shit about him but seeing this girl made me feel like the ugliest piece of fat that has ever walked the earth. to hear all these boys complimenting her made me feel like... well shit. I haven't had an insecurity attack like this all Christmas break because I haven't been seeing people other than my family, but this iteration of the group chat just brought me my mood all the way from 100 to negative 100. I couldn't help but compare myself to her and see myself in the worst light possible. How do I go from looking at myself in the mirror just yesterday and thinking hey I look pretty today and having so much progress in the last two weeks to losing all of that just because I saw one girl's picture and heard boys complimenting her. and I hate feeling like this, and I hate myself because I feel like this, I know that my life could be much much much much worse off, but these type of things impact my mental health so damn much. My anxiety and my depression and my insecurities have been impacting my life so much, I literally have to force myself to leave my bed, I literally only wear oversized clothes to hide my body and I hate to look in the mirror unless I'm on a snap chat filter. I am always tired and my body is always aching and I just need something to fix me. all I want to do is sleep but my anxiety won't let me do that either. sometimes I think all my problems will go away if I just isolate myself from all the people in my life because then my demons won't have anyone to torture me with. my cutting is getting worse too, but its the only thing that helps me release all of the pain I feel that weighs me down, seeing the blood is the only thing that saves me from the suffocating feeling in my chest. my eyes are always burning because of the lack of sleep I get. sometimes ill get really angry with the way I feel and my stupid brain and my demons that the only thing I want to do is thrown things at the wall and break things and scream. I just want to scream and let it all out, I just want to cry and get rid of all these things that are slowly killing me. I want to stop feeling so numb and emotionless all the time because maybe if I finally feel all the pain that weighs my heart down and release it, it'll b gone forever. but I know that it's pretty much impossible and these types of dreams didn't come true. I just want it all to stop. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until its all over. I don't know what to do with myself because I'm scared that it's only getting worse and worse and the hour's pass. at this point I don't even know if I'm ever genuinely happy or if I'm just distracted and that's the scariest thing that's ever crossed my mind. I think the real reason I was so mesmerized with the snow just now for a moment, even if it was a split second, I forgot, I forgot everything and all I saw was the snow falling. and the way things are going id give my life for more distracting moments like that.