Mourning

Mouring is something I never quite understood. I knew that it was during this time that many people feel depressed and sad yet I go numb to my feelings and watch as those around me suffer. I recently witnessed a death and thinking back on everything that happened makes me feel sick and anxious. The death I witnessed was my mom's boyfriend and as much as I want to help her grieve, I don't know where to start. When I can throughout the day by distracting myself, she finds the most random things to remind her of him. Few things make me cry anymore, call it having thick skin or call it being emotionally unattached because I'm not even sure what it is. I feel as though I should cry and I have, but at the same time I feel like I need to be brave. This whole experience would be enough for most people my age to need years of therepy and yet I have used my friends, music, and writing this as my therepy. None of this feels real and I feel as though I'm being pranked. I feel guilty feeling happy because I know how much hell everyone else is going through. I tried doing CPR and people say they're proud of me and how I'm so strong, but what they don't know is immediately after I saw the ambulance pull up I backed away and had a panic attack in the pantry. I'm not as strong as I seem and even though I'm not crying about it, I'm having a battle of thoughts in my head. All of this is just so fucked up. He was only 33 years old and because of alcohol he's gone. I don't mean to sound like one of those depressing commercials you see on TV, but if you or know someone suffering from addiction I strongly advise you to get help or you may suffer the same fate.