My Silver-Haired Demon

I once knew a girl, from a time long ago. I remember so vividly her hair, since it was her most distinct feature. It always smelled like lavender, when I got close enough for the sweet scent to waft into my nose. Her beautiful silver hair. I remember how her pale skin reflected the bright sunlight. She never did like to be in the sun, she burned easily. She had eyes that would stare into me. I can't explain it, but I guess you could say, whenever we talk, she talked straight to my soul. I think I was nine when I moved there and met her. Yeah, I was nine because I remember for my ninth birthday the only present I got was from her. It was a pocket watch made of silver. It was fancy too, much more expensive than anything else I owned. I guess by that time I had been there long enough for her to catch on to how I had a bad habit of being late. Time and I have always had a casual relationship. With that watch though, I had no excuse to be late. I guess I didn't really appreciate it at the time, it was really nice, and I did like it but. Well I guess you could narrow it down to a kid's naivety. I really should have taken better care of it. Damn, I would kill someone if it meant I could have that watch back. Not like I've never killed anyone before though... Still, even with the way my life is now I still come back to that valley. That sleepy little town where I met the silver haired girl. I guess you could say I'm haunted by my past, I have dreams; perhaps they're nightmares, about her quite frequently. You could say I didn't handle the situation with her the best way I could have. What can I say though? When she left I felt betrayed deeply. Damn do I regret it though. You'd think a normal sane person would be a little angry, but the way I handled it would make anyone think I'm a psycho. Hell, I probably am a psycho. All of the other men in my company feel regret for at least a few of the people they've killed, not me though. In fact, I guess you could say I revel in the memory of my victims' deaths. That can't be normal right? No way. Damn. I can't stop thinking about her. I'll never forget her name for as long as I live though: Alaesel. She had the prettiest name I'd ever heard, and even to this day I think it's by far the prettiest. Maybe I'm just putting her on a pedestal though. You always see things through nostalgia glasses when you remember them, and they aren't always as great as you thought. Still, I feel certain I am remembering her perfectly. Shit, I may have brain damage from all my head wounds, but I can still remember every detail of my time with her, or at least, everything about her. Maybe I'm in love with her haha. Bit too late for that now though, considering what I did to her...I guess you could sum me up with the word bastard, because that's all I really am. Just look at how I handled the only person who was ever nice to me. I really deserve to die. I guess that's why I joined this outfit though. Supposedly they get sent on suicidal missions at every opportunity. They call us "The Dead Legion" because once you join, you are already as good as dead. Everyone here sees themselves as being already dead, myself included. We're just soulless vessels meant to fight until our death. Until then we follow the orders of the leader of this whole faction, Taervos. He founded The Dead Legion. The bastard's still alive and kicking though. I've been in this unit for about three years I think, and over that time only four out of the 100 guys currently in this company are still alive from when I first joined. Three years and only five guys from the original group are left. We take on new guys after every mission, but they're normally not battle hardened. We go through recruits like I go through swords. I guess it's just my fate to suffer for what I did to that poor girl. I deserve it. Death is too merciful for me I suppose. I need to live out my days being tortured by what I did. I think I'm a major asshole for thinking this but, I really think I'm in love with her. I can't get her out of my head, and not in the bad way either. I really enjoy just thinking about her. Just remembering the way she talked, walked, smelled. But maybe that's just because I'm surrounded by filthy, disgusting, soon-to-be-dead warriors all day. When was the last time I had a bath? I guess it doesn't matter much. I remember she used to bathe every other day, or was it every three days? I don't remember. Either way she was so clean, she would bathe way more often than anyone else in the village. Weekly bathing was pretty standard there, so I just did that. Not her though. She had to be super clean. I loved that about her. She always wore these amazing sundresses too. White, black, purple, red, blue, you know, all the good colors. Holy fuck her smile...I just remembered what she looked like when she smiled. When I saw her smile, it was like time stopped, just so it could watch her in that moment. One smile from her and it was like all your problems were nonexistent. She was so cute and playful all the time. I remember one time we were searching for the biggest fish in the river, supposedly it had some weird malformation on it that made it look like some sort of demon fish. I didn't really believe it, but she seemed pretty interested so I followed along. Anyway, she was searching for it and she almost slipped in, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her back, thing is though, I was still an idiot even back then, so instead of her falling in, I sort of catapulted myself in instead. It sort of seemed like I didn't want her to have the privilege of being soaked and took it for myself. She laughed for a good ten minutes, and I didn't mind a damn bit. Her laugh was like music. I just sat in that cold ass river while she laughed about it. Eventually she stopped and held out her hand to help me out. Gods damn I was such an asshole, I brushed it aside and said I didn't need her help. I was eleven then. If I could do it over I would have been a lot nicer. If I could go back in time I'd punch myself in the face. I wish I was nicer to her. I wish I'd done a lot of things differently with her, actually. I think about this shit all the time. It sort of drives me crazy actually. The only time my thoughts don't attack me is in combat. The only way I can get this shit to stop is if I confront her. The hell would I even say to her though? After what I did I'd be surprised if she even gave me the time of day. Hah, the time of day, she did give me the time of day. That watch; if I still had it, it would be like she's always giving me the time of day. Still though, she wouldn't want to see me anyway. What could I possibly do to make it up to her though? I mean I have all this gold saved up from my wages for the last three years. I never spent it except on essentials like food and water. Other than that, I never spent it. The pay for this work is stupid high, so naturally I have a lot of money saved up. All this money and nothing to spend it on. It's not like I can just buy her forgiveness. It's been seven years since I last saw her, seven long years since I did that horrible thing to her.