The Loss

December 21st 2018

The day I got the call. It wasn't supposed to go like it did. My mom was supposed to come and pick me up for winter break that day. That's when I started to get worried, she wasn't answering her calls or texts from anyone. She had a suicidal past and I was scared she had hurt herself. No one could get ahold of her, me, my grandma, my siblings. I was the last person that she talked to on December 20th 2018 at 10am.

She went to sleep and never woke up. I tried calling her over 20 times and she didn't answer but I didn't know why. Maybe she was with a guy? Maybe she took to many of her pills? Maybe she just didn't want to talk to me. None of these were really the case though. My grandma and I communicated back and forth for an hour calling each other when we finally got the news.

We called for a wellness check on my mom. The police found her at 3:25pm December 21st 2018. When my grandma called me I knew something was wrong. She made me get my step mom Rebecca, that's when she said those two words "she's dead." My entire world collapsed in the blink of an eye. I was screaming while Rebecca held me and she tried to get ahold of my dad. I wished and prayed that it was all a bad dream, that I would wake up and call her and we'd talk about it. I couldn't, it wasn't a dream. My life as a I knew it was over, I didn't want to do anything, I barely got out of bed.

My best friend was gone in the blink of an eye and I didn't know what to think or do. I couldn't stop crying, Rebecca and my dad stayed with me. My heart was broken, a piece of myself missing. The worst part was telling my step sisters. They're 13, 11, and 9, they didn't know how to handle it, what to say or do either as they watched me break down into tears once again.

My siblings weren't as close with my mom as I was. Her and I shared EVERYTHING together. I felt numb, I couldn't cry anymore, I didn't want to speak, I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to die, I wanted to be with her. I've had a past with suicide and self harm, no one would leave me alone much. I was by myself one day, no one knew that I was suicidal, that I brought my sleeping pills with me. If my girlfriend Amayah hadn't called me when she did I would have killed myself.

It's been 5 months since my mom passed. Every day those 2 words replay in my head when I think of my mom. Losing your parent is absolute hell but nothing compares when you're as close to them as I was with my mom. I was almost done with high school before she passed and I kept going even though I didn't want to. When you have support you really can get through anything. I graduated last week, my 18th birthday is in 3 days. I did it for my mom. I miss her everyday and I know that it will never change.