Heart of Darkness (To Be Published)

Kabanata 13

Kabanata 13

"ARE you ready to open up again?" My psychiatrist, Dr. Thorn Valderama, asked me.

I sighed, muli kong dinungaw ang aking mga daliri, nararamdaman ang hapdi sa dibdib.

"Maayos naman na ako, Doc, 'di ba?" Sumulyap ako sa kanya. "I don't understand why I am still dreaming. Why I'm still so scared."

"You've been skipping a lot of therapies now, Miss Almedarez," he said, fixing his glasses. "I emailed you a lot of times but I got no response kaya nag-aalala ako."

"Why do I still have to undergo therapies? Maayos na ako! Maayos na!" Nanginginig kong sabi, naniniwalang gano'n nga.

I have done enough therapies! I'm doing better!

"Kung maayos ka na, then, why are you here?" He said. I froze.

Yeah... why am I here, anyway?

Dr. Valderama stared at me.

"You don't have to convince me you're fine. I know you, Winter."

My eyes stung.

"W-what if I'm crazy? Paano kung may sakit na po pala ako–"

He smiled a bit, tilting his head. Umiling siya sa akin at umayos ng upo, kumuha ng stress ball sa gilid at iniabot sa akin.

"You're not, Miss Almedarez. You weren't crazy, you were just traumatized about your past experiences."

Hindi ako umimik at pinisil ang stress ball, nililibang ang sarili dahil nawawala na naman ako sa wisyo.

"I assume you haven't opened up yet?" aniya.

I nodded, biting my lower lip. "What for, Doc? It's my fault..."

"If you're comfortable enough, I hope you find it in yourself to open up," marahan niyang sinabi. Natahimik ako. "Mahirap din kasi itago lahat-lahat sa sarili mo. Who know when you're gonna reach your limit and explode."

"Will they understand me, Doc?" nanghihinang tanong ko. "I don't wanna burden my parents anymore. They had a lot on their plate. I even renewed their trauma in losing Ate because I'm terrible..."

"They will understand you, hija," aniya. "And it's not your fault. Tragedies happen. Unfortunate things happen and recovering, it's up to us. It's up to you kung paano mo iha-handle. Face your fears. They won't be silenced unless you step up for a fight."

"But could I? Be brave enough? Will I ever learn how to face those fears, Doc? All my life since the incident, I felt like I was trapped in the darkness."

"You're trapped because you chose to. At the end of the tunnel, there's light, Winter. You must find it in yourself to take a step and look for it. You won't progress if you stay hidden, if you stay hiding, if you stay caged. It's up to you."

"Pero kasalanan ko..." I mumubled. "If only Ate Summer didn't follow me."

"She followed because she's worried about you. Hindi ikaw ang gumawa ng masama. Hindi mo ginusto ang nangyari. Your sister cares and loves you, do you think she'll be happy seeing you like this?"

She won't...

I almost answered.

I know my sister. She loves me dearly. She cares for me. She made sure I was safe and happy. She wouldn't want me to be like this pero ang hirap kasi alam kong ako ang may kasalanan.

I was blindly hoping she had forgiven me for putting her in harm's way but I wouldn't know.

She's gone. She's dead.