journal ➸ a.i au

seventh entry

july 10

no, i won't write 'dear ashton' this time

wanna know why? because i fucking hate you ashton
i hate you, because you never told me that you know you had cancer since the day we met
you never told me everything about your sickness. you never told me that you're struggling with this for a long time

it really hurts when your mom told me everything, ashton
i looked like a stupid girl. i just know that you have cancer, but i don't know that you have it for a long time

why didn't you tell me, ashton?
why did you cover your sickness with your smile?
why did you look happier and more alive than health people, like me?
why, ashton? why?

oh right, now i'm being a stupid bitch again by asking you so many questions even though i know that you won't be here to answer. you're in fucking coma and we don't know when you'll wake up
or maybe you won't even wake up anymore

i hate you. i hate you so much

i met calum again, asking about you. and yes, of course he knows about it all. he also admitted that michael and luke knows about it too. good. only me, in your circle that don't know a thing about it.

am i not that special in your eyes, ashton?
so you won't tell me anything about it?